The Power is Love

Crossing the Finish Line

2010-10-07T21:01:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, October 2nd, our family participated in the Susan G. Komen 5K race/walk. It was a remarkable experience for all of us to be among 14,000 other participants. I have to admit, the walk was pretty hard on me, and my hips were killing me during the last mile of the race and for 2 days after. But, it was worth it.

We had our photo taken as we crossed the finish line by a photographer for the Charlotte Observer. I don't know if the photo was actually in the paper, but it is on the .com version of the paper. As we crossed the finish line, they announced on the PA, "Crossing the finish line is survivor Sally Plautz!" There was a chip in this little plastic disk that they told me to tie to my shoe. I had no idea what that little plastic thing was for. They announced the name of every survivor that finished the race.

Christian, Me, Douglas and Catherine

Celebrate With Me

2010-09-29T14:27:00.001-04:00

One year ago today, September 29, 2009, I received the telephone call from Dr. Hamad informing me that I had breast cancer. For those who were there at Karen Garner's house, you remember how difficult this was for me. It was a hard day, and also somewhat surreal. Even now, the whole year is some what surreal, like "did this really happen?"

Looking back is like trying to remember how bad labor and delivery was (without anesthesia or drugs) several months after your baby was born: you can recall that it was painful and hard, but you can't really bring back the extent of the pain to your memory. This is probably why so many of us have more and more children! :)

It's true, I will forever have the physical scars and other residual issues as a result of all three treatments - chemotherapy, surgery and radiation. Everyday I am bothered by at least one of the symptoms left behind, but mostly, I am getting on with the business of living. This is reason all by itself to celebrate.

To follow up, I did decide to switch my oncologist to Dr. Kimberly Blackwell at Duke University Hospital. She was really sharp. She isn't warm and fuzzy, but that is not what I needed. She listened to me and acknowledged all of my issues and recommended treatments to help me. She referred me to a pain clinic and a specific physical therapist that deals with post mastectomy problems. Between the two new treatments I am doing better. I still have a long way to go.

Finally someone listened enough to diagnose part of my problem. I have lymphedema in my chest wall. O Lymphedema is found in patients who have had radiation and who have also had lymph nodes removed with their mastectomies. Your lymphatic system functions similarly to your blood flow in your body. Lymphatic fluid circulates via the lymph nodes. When lymph nodes are removed, the lymph fluid can get backed up and cause intense swelling. This can be dangerous and is painful. Usually, mastectomy patients experience Lymphedma in their arm. Constriction sleeves are custom made to held reduce the swelling. Think about how support hose are needed when someone had bad veins that cause swelling in legs, feet and ankles. The same principle works for swelling cause from a build up of lymphatic fluid.

My fluid is building up in the area where my breast and lymph nodes were removed on the right side (the cancer side that was radiated). The swelling causes compression around the implant and it is very painful. The physical therapist does a special 'massage' that helps encourage the flow of the lymph fluid, therefore reducing the swelling and ultimately my pain. The problem is that it only lasts for a few hours. I will ultimately have to be fitted with a compression "bra" (not really a bra, but it's the easiest way to describe it) that should help in between treatments. It is very expensive ($300 plus), but my insurance should pay for most of it.

I just want to say that I am filled with gratitude. I am so happy to be on the other side of all this. On Saturday, I will be walking the 5K in Charlotte for the Susan G. Komen event. It's not going to be easy, I have walked only a maximum of 2 miles in the last two months, and that was hard, but I am going to give it my best. Most of my family is coming to Charlotte to do the walk together in celebration of my 1st year as a cancer survivor.

Our team name is Team Can't-cer, which is taken from the sign that Christian and Mary made when we went to celebrate the completion of my cancer treatments.

My diagnoses CAN'T define me. I had cancer, but it is not who I am.
My pain CAN'T stop me. I have pain, but with the right treatment and perseverance, I will overcome.

So please, celebrate with me. I AM a cancer SURVIVOR. 1 year down, the rest of my life to go.

WHEW.....that was some year! :)

Komen for the Cure - 2010

2010-09-22T11:48:00.006-04:00

Please consider donating to this most worthy cause!!!!

It has almost been ONE year since my mother was diagnosed with Stage IIIc breast cancer. To celebrate her and honor those who have been touched by breast cancer, my family is participating in the Komen for the Cure 5K race on Saturday, October 2, 2010 in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Our Team: Team Can't-Cer* has a team gaol of raising $1000 to donate to the Susan G. Komen foundation. 75% of the donations will contribute to support education, screening, and treatment programs in the 9 counties surrounding the Charlotte area. 25% will help fund the Susan G. Komen for the Cure National Award and Research Grant Program. If you are able to contribute to our goal, our team would be most appreciative.

*Can't take over our life; Can't make us weak; Can't hold us down!

CAN-CER? MORE LIKE CAN'T-CER!!!!

Don't forget that October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

THANK YOU!!!!!!

You can make a donation through our team's website:
http://charlotte.info-komen.org/goto/Team_Cant-Cer

Haven't Got Time for the Pain

2010-06-25T16:05:00.003-04:00

I don't know why I persist in the belief that somehow I will get out of the worst of it. I know that Dr. Sailer told me that things would get worse before they get better. But hope springs eternal, and I always think deep down that I just might be the exception. And doesn't that just make you laugh, because during this whole process, I have almost always had the more severe side effects than what is usually expected. I should just get used to it. Right? Wrong! If I just planned on having the worse case scenario, that would be giving in to pessimism, and I just refuse to do that.

Last night was particularly horrible. Even with Ambien to aid in sleep I was still awake at midnight. I added a small dose of Dilaudid (morphine derivative) that Dr. Sailer prescribed for the times when Aleve was just not sufficient. Still, the clock ticked by, 1:00 a.m.......2:00 a.m......3:00 a.m....then finally asleep. The pain was so intense in the radiated area. And the thing is, it's not just the burning sensation of the skin, but deep underneath in the tissue below. Sharp, intense pain. I just laid there and sobbed.

Then, there is just the fatigue. I am so tired all the time. And, when I don't get a good night's sleep, it is just all the worse. But, I got up this morning and finished the last of the wedding cakes and an anniversary cake for tomorrow, so at least now I can rest from my labors.

There's just so much I want to do now that all my treatments are complete and I don't have time for the pain and the fatigue.

Here's my short list. I want to:

1) go to the pool and just read a book

2) go down to Beaufort and visit my grand-daughters

3) go to a mall and just browse

4) go visit a few of the local fitness centers and join one, so that I can start getting healthy

5) drive myself to the store if I needed something

6) go shopping to find window treatments for the living room and family room (something that dropped to the bottom of the list when we moved in last October because moving and my diagnosis were simultaneous)

I am just impatient, I know.

There's just so much living to do!

Forward Motion

2010-06-19T20:26:00.008-04:00

Eight and half months ago, it was almost impossible to imagine that this day would finally get here. I knew that someday I could say it, but throughout the months, the treatment schedule changed so many times, that it became hard to wrap my mind around the fact that someday I could say, "My cancer treatments are complete!"

"My cancer treatments are complete!"

Yesterday, Friday June 18, 2010 was my last radiation treatment. Every week, since the first week in May, I have made the trip to Ashville Avenue in Cary, to the Radiation Oncology Center. For six of the last seven weeks, I went every day (weekdays) at 11:30 a.m. to receive my radiation therapy.

I would get up most mornings sometime between 7:30 and 8:30 a.m. and work on that week's cake orders. At 11:00 a.m. I would leave for Cary. The first three weeks, I drove myself. Then, the fatigue became so overwhelming that I knew I was no longer a safe driver. By the end of the fourth week, the skin on my right chest from neck to midriff to armpit was so red and burnt, that it was very uncomfortable to wear clothes.

As I mentioned in my previous entry, the inflammation was so intense that the area around the implant was literally squeezing on the implant; it is so painful.

I had mistakenly surmised that once the last treatment was complete, I was on an immediate turn around toward recovery. And, while that is technically true, Dr. Sailer (my radiation oncologist) informed me at my final visit, that radiation has a delayed effect. What he was saying is that I will actually get worse, before I get better. The radiation has compounding side effects, so I will not observe the full effects of the radiation for several more weeks. He said that my skin will get more tough, more red, and then the top layer will begin to peel off, leaving very tender new skin behind. I will likely have permanent darkening of the skin that was radiated--like a permanent tan. It will probably fade some over the years, but to what extent varies from person to person.

The fatigue will also increase over the next few weeks and then gradually improve. It usually takes about three months to return to the pre-radiation level. I am glad that he told me, so that I would know what to expect.

This afternoon, on the way home from the wedding cake delivery, I was telling Doug that people kept telling me that radiation was really no big deal, compared to chemotherapy--that it would be so easy. Of course, this was from people who were bystanders who had not gone through either treatment. It was just their perception of cancer patients.

Yes, chemotherapy really can make a person VERY sick. The effect are so much more visible and dramatic. But radiation therapy has its own kind of terrible. I'll admit that the side effects of chemotherapy were oft times unbearable. OK...most of the time. But, I have never in my life had this kind of tired. Tired, just doesn't seem to describe it. Even during the sleep deprived baby years (and I spent the entire decade of the 80's pregnant and/or breast feeding) it never felt like this.

When the time comes when another friend of yours is diagnosed with breast cancer, (and it makes me sad to say that unfortunately the odds are that you'll have another friend who will) remember that every part of the treatment is very difficult. Chemotherapy, surgery, radiation...they each have their own terrible. Do offer words and deeds of love and encouragement, but try not to make one part seem easier by comparing it to another.

What comes now? Well, I'll have regular visits to both oncologists every three months for a few years. CT scans, MRI's to check to make sure there is no reoccurrence. (let's not even go there). And, in about 6 months, there will be an outpatient surgery related to the aesthetic details of the breast reconstruction. Hopefully, by then, they will not hurt so bad and I won't just beg to have the implants removed. :)

Keep reading, because I still plan to write at least for the next year or so. The treatments may be complete, but in a way, my life is at a new beginning.

Last night, my family took me out to dinner to celebrate the end of the treatments. When I arrived at the restaurant, my family was already seated and there were beautiful flowers on the table and a sign that Christian and Mary made that said:

"CANCER?

more like

CAN'T-cer!"

They had told our server about our celebration. At the end of dinner, she came by with several of the other's with a birthday sundae. She explained that although it was not the anniversary of my actual birth, that it was, in a way, a new beginning, a celebration of life...and they all sang the Outback birthday song to me. I was touched. And, I felt my perspective change. I felt... forward motion*.

Boo-yah!!! I am cancer free! I am a surviver. And honestly, what I survived and endured (along with all other cancer survivors) is nothing short of miraculous. They pump your body with the most toxic of chemicals and they subject you to what could easily be considered controlled radiation poisoning. But I did it.

Sometimes, in the last 24 hours I just tear up thinking, "I did it!" But, I didn't do it alone. You my friends were all there with me. My family--they were there with me. But above all, my Heavenly Father was there with me. And often, just at the point where I felt I could endure no more, he was there, or he sent one of you, his 'earthly angels' to lift me up.

* Princeton Dictionary: the act of moving forward (as toward a goal)

I am an Emotional Girl

2010-06-05T15:32:00.006-04:00

As of yesterday (Friday the 4th) I have completed 18 of my 28 scheduled radiation treatments. Now that I am four weeks into my treatments, the side effects are very apparent and make it difficult for me to function on a normal level. The fatigue is unlike any other fatigue that I have experienced in my life, but it comes close to the same kind of tiredness associated with my thyroid disease in 2000. When you have no more thyroid hormone in your body, you feel pretty wiped out and it is hard to move your body. This is very much the same, but it adds some extra "goodies" along with it.

For one thing, all the skin in the targeted radiation area is on fire. Like a terrible sunburn. Except, usually if you get a sunburn, you then avoid the sun's burning rays for a while. Not possible here, I get to go back every day at 11:30 a.m. for more! Lucky me. The tissue under the skin becomes swollen and it binds tightly around the implant, which is more painful than it sounds.

Other than that, I am doing fine! :)

There were two fairly large wedding cakes for today, so that means there was a good deal of work to do this previous week. I would work for as long as I could, and then rest for a while. Once the cakes were done and in the refrigerators, I crashed and I couldn't do another thing, but sleep. There are still tons of cake pans, cooling racks and mixing bowls with icing mess and the like in the sink waiting for someone to wash them. I simply do not have the energy to stand and do it. So, I turn my head the other direction so that I cannot see how messy the kitchen is.

Baby steps. Maybe my husband or one of my sons will baby step their way into the kitchen and give me a had. Mark moved back home three weeks ago. When he is here, he is always willing to lend a hand. He's not home right now. I sure miss him. HA!

On May 17th, I met with Dr. Singh, the medical oncologist. I was waiting to hear his final word regarding additional chemotherapy. Those two treatments that were skipped because of my severe side effects have been looming over me since the end of January. He says that I do NOT have to have them. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is what I wanted to hear.

Other than that news, my visit with Dr. Singh did not go well. Just like the last few that I have had with him. He doesn't listen to me. If I am feeling sad and low, he feels he must make me happy and smiling by the end of the appointment and he just pushes too hard. He doesn't let me finish my questions and then answers the question he THINKS that I am asking. He also will talk to Doug about me, as if I am not even there.

I was already pretty upset when my appointment started. It was my third doctors appointment that day. I was very tired and in pain. I had had it, and I just wanted to climb in bed. When I got to the cancer center I waited over 30 minutes and still they had not called me back for my lab work.

They didn't have me on the list. Ugh!

They said that I would have to wait until the appointment with Dr. Singh was completed. I was trying to keep my emotions together, but I started to tear up. I felt like they had made the mistake, but that I had to pay the price by being bumped to the end of the line.

Finally they called me for the doctor's visit. I was trying to get myself composed. Then, they had to pull out the thigh blood pressure cuff. Because I have had bi-lateral mastectomies, I cannot use a regular upper arm blood pressure cuff for a while. The thigh cuffs are so incredibly painful, and they are not as accurate. This time, it hurt even more than usual, that it made me tear up. Again.

I got myself composed again, but when Dr. Singh walked into the room, it was quite obvious that I had been crying. He asked what the matter was. I quietly said that it had been a long difficult day, but that I would be just fine. He wouldn't let it go. He kept asking questions. He asked me. He asked Doug, who just replied that it had been a long day, that I was in pain and that he was the third and last on the long list of doctors for today. He just wouldn't let it go.

Then, finally, he opened up my file and started to read. It was quiet for a minute or so, so I took some control and said "Well, it was my understanding that the purpose of this visit was too......" And EVERYTHING fell apart after that. It is too laborious to write it in detail. He actually, in what he felt was an effort to comfort me kept calling me "mamma". I was so annoyed, but I just kept thinking that if I told him how inappropriate I thought that was, it would make it worse. He even raised his voice to me.

At one point, when I was quiet, but in tears, he looks over at Doug and starts with "what did I do? What did I say? Did I do anything wrong?" but not in a genuine way, rather a defensive way. I just wanted to run. Fast. And right now.

As we were driving home, I told Doug that it occurred to me that THIS was the doctor that I would have to see regarding my cancer follow-ups for the rest of my life. This was not going to work for me. I need to have a doctor that will listen to me and that I can communicate with over the next twenty or so years.

On Thursday, I saw my family doctor (the amazing Dr. Corey Musselman) regarding my insomnia issues and other basic health maintenance stuff. I told him about how I felt about the doctor patient relationship I had with Dr. Singh. He was completely compassionate. He said it is not unusual, and in some ways expected, with long-term health issues like cancer and not too late to get a second opinion. He understands that I need to be really comfortable and confident in the person who is making the longterm decisions over the next years.

So, in July, I will meet with an oncologist in the Breast Center at Duke and see how that feels. Then his his words he said "and if Duke sucks, then we'll go to UNC" Then he laughed, and I did too.

I feel really good about going to see this new oncologist, Dr. Blackwell. You know, it never occurred to me to get a second opinion in the beginning at first diagnosis. I am not sure that I needed to then. I want to say that I don't question the medical skills of Dr. Singh. It is really just a personality style that isn't a good fit for me. But, I will have to meet with the oncologist, who ever it is, every three months for the first year, and then in diminishing frequency as the years go by. We, of course, pray that there will be no recurrence. But, if there is, I need to know that I have a doctor who will listen to my fears and anxieties, and not feel like it is a statement about their competency. It's just me. I am an emotional girl.

Counting My Blessings

2010-05-16T13:40:00.008-04:00

I started my radiation treatment this week. Things appear to be going "as expected" from the oncologist's perspective. I didn't expect to feel the side effect of fatigue quite so soon. I am receiving a pretty strong dose of radiation over a large area, from the front and the back. It doesn't take too long--I have to be very, very still in an awkward position for about 15 minutes. This is much better than the 30 or 40 minutes that I had to be still during the treatment planning stages.

They had to create a mold for my upper body, head and arms to fit into so that I am always in precisely the same position for each of my 28 to 33 treatments. My arms have to be over my head, and my hands have to grip onto handles that keep me steady and in place. This is not good news for my previously injured right shoulder which I was in physical therapy for up until the time of my diagnosis. Ouch...it has been hurting a lot since this all started.

Additionally, the skin of my right "breast" and upper chest that receive the radiation from the front and side feels like a bad sunburn for several hours after the treatment, and then on and off during the evening, night and morning before I go again at 11:30 a.m. each day to have it done all over again. I have extremely fair and sensitive skin so I am not surprised. They give me a lotion to apply to the radiated areas to try to keep the skin as hydrated as possible. It is soothing when I apply it, but its effects are not long lasting, so I find myself applying said lotion fairly often. They told me that I could not use it too much.

I have a pretty busy wedding cake schedule for this weekend, so we'll see how I function. There were no weddings this week, or the last week of May so at least I am not having week after week of busy. June however, presents the opposite situation. But, it is June and that is the month for brides. Thankfully, my dear sweet Kimberly has been my angel to help compensate for my inabilities. I don't know what I would have done without her.

May 16, 2010

I am sporting my new "un-wigged" hairstyle these days. Everyone, but me, really likes it. It's different for me but I am getting used to it. All I see are my chubby cheeks. My hair is extremely soft, very salt and pepper, with much more salt than I had previously. It has a natural wave, which I have had since my last baby was born, but is more obvious now without the weight of longer hair. This hair, almost 1" long, is 4 and a half months worth of growth. It's going to take forever for my hair to be even long enough to it the bottom of my ears. Oh well, it is what it is.

I felt pretty melancholy during the first few days of this week. I finally figured out that it was because the daily ritual of radiation just reminds me every day of my diagnosis. I was starting to feel more normal (not that I was ever really normal) and now I am being slowed down again. The "every-day-ness" of this treatment is probably going to be more taxing than the treatment's effects. I feel better when I am not alone. I need people. Most of all, I need my family, and sometimes it feels like certain family members forget that I am still going through this horrible thing. Not always...just sometimes.

I am so appreciative of your thoughts and prayers and loving support. I still need them. I try so hard to make sure that I don't let myself be defined by the cancer. It is not who I am, it is just something that I am going through. But, there are days where the burden is all consuming, and I don't like where my thoughts go on those days. I had one of those days on Thursday and I cried in the car while I was driving home from radiation. The afternoon was so difficult. I was so incredibly tired and I had baking to do and I didn't feel like doing it. I felt sad, and angry, and sorry for myself. Then Doug came home from work and offered to help me bake. He has not done that in a very long time. I could feel my countenance change as well as my heart. Isn't it amazing how the charitable act of one person can make such a difference?

I can't help but think of the lyrics to the hymn Count Your Blessings:

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly

And you will be singing as the days go by.

So, amid the conflict--whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged, God is over all;

Count your many blessings, angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

I know that I am blessed. I know it. I know that there are earthly angels that bless my life every day. My family, my friends, nurses, doctors, technicians or even Shelly at the pharmacy counter at WalMart. I know that even on days when it is really hard to have a positive attitude, I will eventually have my heart soften and feel deep gratitude for all of my blessings.

Gotta get things "just right"

2010-05-03T09:36:00.006-04:00

May 5, 2010

It's been two and a half weeks since my last surgery, and for the most part, I am doing well. My biggest complaint is how heavy the implants are, and that I am constantly aware of them on my body. The feeling does not go away, and they almost constantly sore. It is difficult to believe that I will ever get "used to them".

Let's put this into perspective. Most of you have probably seen on TV what a breast implant looks like. It is a clear balloon-like ball that is filled with saline (or silicone, but those are the ones of great controversy and not what was used for me). A 20 ounce bottle of water is 591 ml. My implants each have 750 ml of saline in them. Now, ya'll know how heavy a full bottle of water is! Just imagine a bigger bottle strapped to both sides of your chest. Now you see what I mean. One of the other reasons they are so uncomfortable is that the space left in my chest is much smaller than what they put in me. So, my skin, muscles and what is left of tissue has to s-t-r-e-t-c-h to accommodate the new residents in my chest area.

I have met with the Radiation Oncologist (Dr. Sailer) and they have begun creating the radiation treatment plan for me. I had the first part last Friday, and tomorrow I go in for the final adjustments and a simulation of the treatments. I begin radiation on Monday. I will have at least 28, but no more than 33 treatments. We won't know until we get into the thick of it. I will go for treatments every day (weekdays) for 6 to 7 weeks.

I find out on May 17th if I really truly do not have to have those last chemotherapy treatments that I didn't have back in January and February because of the horrible side effects that I was having. I am optimistic, but prepared to hear those words that I really don't want to hear.

I have enjoyed the last week and a half as I have been able to be more mobile and drive myself on errands. I even when to Kohl's yesterday and got some new clothes to fit this new body shape that I have right now. It was great.

I have felt so happy to not be so home bound. It's been great to feel more active. I know that there is a possibility that radiation will induce extreme fatigue, so I am taking advantage of every moment while I have energy to move and get things done.

It's been so great to see many of you as I have seen you at different events. Those of you who have seen me know that I am not wearing a wig right now, rather sporting my very, very, short 3/4" long hair style. I become less and less self conscious as I embrace my new look. It will be a year before my hair grows to have any length that I can really work with in a style. It took four months just to get it to 3/4".

Update 5/12/2010

There were some small complications in getting my treatment plan for radiation complete. Nothing serious, they are just trying to get it just right. I had my first treatment yesterday (Tuesday) and my second one today. This is life for me for the next 6 weeks. Everyday at 11:30 I arrive at Wake Radiology Oncologists for my treatment. It takes about 20 minutes from start to finish. The hardest part is staying still for that length of time. It's not the actual staying still that is hard as much as having to take my arms and fix them above my head. This is not a good thing for my temperamental right shoulder. It had been doing so much better (what with not working like a mad woman on crazy amounts of cake each week) but when it gets into a fixed position for any length of time, those joints just seize up.

My skin is already feeling like I have a sunburn. Not cool. It hurts more as my clothes rub up against it. They give me a special lotion that is supposed to help. I hope it does.

I noticed that I have been more emotionally sensitive since the Radiation phase has begun. I have bouts of melancholy. I have tried to examine my mind for the why. All I can come up with is that after weeks of just recovery from surgeries, I am once again in the thick of the cancer treatment, That means more discomfort, and new side effects. It just is a daily reminder of my diagnosis. I was started to feel more "alive" again. I don't want to see that go, even if it is for only a few weeks.

I know that I just have to get up and get going each day and do whatever is physically possible each day so that I don't dwell on the part of every day that is uncomfortable. I cannot let this intrusion of the world break my spirit. So I won't.

I am amazed how already the time of chemotherapy seems like a distant memory. A pretty horrible memory, but it is over. The surgeries (the big ones) are over. And I am still me, my body is just a bit "damaged" here and there. Radiation will be done at the end of June, and then THAT will become a memory. And then HOPEFULLY, that will be the end of that.

Hope springs eternal. :)

Deja WHAT?

2010-04-20T12:23:00.011-04:00

About 24 hours after my surgery (which puts me at about 4 o'clock Saturday afternoon) I noticed that I had some itching on my wrists and on my ankles. No rash, perhaps a little pink. Within an hour or so, I had just a general tingly itchy feeling all over my body and the wrists were definitely showing signs of a rash starting. My neck was the next to follow and by the evening I had a rash starting on my back and abdomen. I immediately started Benadryl. That helped me sleep through Saturday night, only to rise the usual times to use the bathroom.

Sunday morning the rash was much more defined and it was making me crazy. I stayed on the Benadryl, but also called Dr. Hanna to report that once again I was showing signs of an allergic reaction to something. I didn't have ANY of the suspected medications from the first surgery, so now we have to figure out what the real culprit is.

Now it is Sunday night and the rash is spreading like wildfire. I decided to experiment with an old tried and true thing called Witch Hazel. This homeopathic liquid is quite versatile. FYI:

Witch hazel is a low growing shrub native to North America. It has a long history of use medicinally, and cultivation of the bush has spread to Europe for this purpose. Preparations of witch hazel ranging from tinctures to soothing creams are available in most drug stores, as well as specialty stores for skin care. The plant acts as an astringent, firming and tightening tissue and acting to reduce itching and irritation. Other properties have also been ascribed to witch hazel, making it an excellent all-purpose addition to the medicine cabinet.

The Witch Hazel has an instant cooling effect, and it appeared to quell the itching long enough for the Benadryl to kick in. Catherine is on hand to keep my hands from scratching. It's bedtime, so I take two Benadryl instead of one along with my sleep meds and I make it through the night without going crazy with itching when I arise the two times to use the bathroom. Not bad.

I have an appointment which was previous scheduled with Dr. Hanna, just to check on my incision and the implants. All looks really good. But the rash is a real head shaker. He's convinced that it isn't from ANY of the oral meds given to me post surgery but one of the three meds they mix for anesthesia or something relating to the surgery. He sends me to Dr. Charamanti and I get mega-doses of Prednisone (steroids) and am told to stay on the Benadryl.

So, this is what I am doing. The rash is no worse today, but no better. I still see that as progress. Once, the steroids really start working (Dr. says 36 hours from the first dose) we'll should see some good progress. If not....suspenseful organ music...back to the hospital I go for the "big guns" of IV steroids.

Honestly, I really don't think it will come to that. I am so determined. I am being SO good about keeping myself from scratching. I am also convinced that the Witch Hazel is doing some good. Well, at least it is soothing and it isn't making the rash any worse.

I am still in pain, and it is hard to get up from a lying down position on my own without intense pain, so I always need someone to help me get up and lay down. I am able to find certain ways to lay in bed, with pillows propped in certain ways where I feel no pain at all. That is great. It's just moving around that causes the pain, so I move as little as possible.

The areas that will become my new breasts (I just can call them breasts yet...it's just stuffed skin right now) are very tight, as the implants are really packed in there. I am assured that over several months, the skin, muscle and tissue will "give" and adjust so that they are shaped more natural and don't feel so hard and painful. I guess it's like breaking in a new pair of leather loafers.

I am really shocked over this whole allergic reaction thing, and how much the implant area hurts. It really is much more uncomfortable than I could have imagined. I am always so impatient. I want everything to get back to normal RIGHT NOW!!!

Rest is what I need most, so that is what I am going to try to do. Radiation is just around the corner and that is going to be tough. Probably the hardest thing is the grinding schedule: every day, Monday through Friday for almost 7 weeks. It will be at least two hours out of my day, for many weeks. Again, my impatience is showing.

But, after reading this post, I hope you remember more of my optimism than my impatience:

Hymn #30: Come, Come Ye Saints verse 2

Why should we mourn, or think our lot is hard? 'Tis not so; all is right

Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake!

And soon we'll have this tale to tell--

"All is well! all is well!!"

Home Again

2010-04-17T09:43:00.002-04:00

Mom had her second surgery yesterday. It was in-patient procedure so no staying over the in hospital again. We're still trying to figure out if that's a good thing or a bad thing. She went to the hospital at noon yesterday and her surgery was scheduled to start at 2. It was a little before 3 when Dad emailed me that the plastic surgeon was not finished with his previous surgery yet and they were still waiting. He also mentioned that Mom was on 10 mg of Valium and "lovin' it." When I talked to Mom yesterday around ten she said that her biggest hope was that she didn't remember anything. She just wanted to go in and wake up with the new girls. So I'm pretty sure the Valium helped this.

The next thing I know, Dad texted around 6 and said that Mom was in recovery and that they were anticipating a couple of hours for recovery. They came home a little before 10 last night. Mom was obviously in pain but moved a little better than I remember the first surgery go-round. She said that her mouth was very dry from the surgery and even the ice chips didn't seem to quench her thirst. She was also very cold from all the anesthesia wearing off. The shivering made her tense up and hurt. She said that she didn't expect it to hurt this bad this time. Frowny face. She also said that her chest wall and around the area were very tight. She tried to get comfortable but it seemed hard. After taking some medicine and trying to relax she seem to settle in. I was in there talking to Mom and Dad and then Daniel came in. It was so nice just sitting in there and talking with them. I think family being around when you're in pain just calms you down.

When I woke up this morning I came down stairs to find Dad. I asked how Mom did and his simple reply was, "Pretty good." HURRAY! About 25 minutes later Mom came down stairs. I asked her how she think she did last night. She said, "the drugs helped." Double victory. She's finishing up breky right now and I imagine will take it easy for a good while.

Living Waters

2010-04-12T19:10:00.015-04:00

Musings*

This afternoon I had to drive back to the venue where Saturday's wedding cake was delivered so that I could retrieve the cake stand and other cake accessories. This is not something I have ever done before, but the bride paid me for the convenience of not having to bring those items back to me later this week.

I don't drive very often. It is much more uncomfortable (painful) for me to have the seat belt across my chest in while in the driver's seat than the passenger's seat. I think I have driven only four times in the last four months. Today was spectacularly beautiful and the venue was at a rustic setting called the Aqueduct Conference Center nestled in the bucolic woods surrounding Jordan Lake, just off Farrington Rd.

I had the windows down and the sunroof open. I was listening to a CD that Mary had made for Doug for Christmas and I had the song Like a Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan playing fairly loudly while I let the wind "blow through my hair" (well, figuratively, as my hair is only about 1/2 inch long right now).

I felt so alive and happy. There are several portions of this road that cross over some of the "fingers" of Jordan Lake. People were out on their boats, others were fishing and I just thought to myself "what is it about being close to the water that makes me feel so peaceful and happy?"

I get this same feeling when we go to the ocean. Water--lakes, rivers...it is all the same for me. I just love it. I started to think about how we need water to live. We can go without food for sometime, but it doesn't take too many days without water before our bodies begin to shut down.

That made me think about the Savior, and how all references in the scriptures to "living waters" refer to Him. He is the source of our spiritual life and if we go too long without being fed by Him through His Spirit, our spirit begins to shut down too.

I can't even imagine how I could have survived these last 6 months without my testimony of Jesus Christ and the power of his atonement to lift me when I have hit the lowest points that I have ever experienced in my life.

*(deep thoughts, contemplations, meditation)

What's Been Goin' On?

About three week's ago I started having the tissue expanders filled with saline in preparation for the final reconstruction surgery that would eventually take place at the end of the year. It became instantly apparent to Dr. Hanna, and me that the expanders were high on my chest and not in the usual level that breasts are found in women. Nevertheless, I returned 10 days later for my second fill. That was a week ago today. As he injected into the expanders the additional solution, I was very uncomfortable. No, that is an understatement. I was in pain.

Dr. Hanna was obviously concerned and told me that he didn't see any reason for me to return for additional fills, since the expanders weren't expanding me in the place where the permanent breast implants would ultimately go. He started thinking "out loud" in his usual manner.

He thought it would be best if he could go ahead and remove the expanders and put in the permanent implants now, before radiation treatment began. But, we all know that I was already at 9 weeks post surgery and that the radiation oncologist needed for the treatments to begin no later than 12 weeks post surgery. Dr. Hanna called Dr. Sailer to suggest the change in plans.

I was so hopeful. These expanders hurt so much and actually restrict movement of my upper arm since they go into my arm pit as well. (You'll just have to use your imagination, since I can't show you what I am talking about. Find the point of your right clavicle bone that is centered between your shoulder and the center of your neck. Go one inch down. That is where the top of the expander is. Imagine that your breast tissue starts there)

The thought of having to live with these tortuous things for 8 more months was very discouraging. You see, I originally could not have the final surgery until 6 months post radiation, or there would be serious healing issues. I was excited about the possibility of moving this time line up.

Then, on Wednesday, I got the call that Dr. Sailer said no. We couldn't hold off the radiation any longer. I was depressed. Despondent. I cried on and off all the rest of the day. Sleeping was difficult even with Ambien, because of the pain of these things.

I had an appointment with Dr. Sailer last Friday to start the radiation process for the next 6 weeks. When he examined me he said "Well, a picture is worth a thousand words". He was able to understand what Dr. Hanna was describing over the phone. He just couldn't imagine it, just as I am sure you might be having a hard time imagining what I am describing.

He looked at my chart and said that since I had such favorable pathology report from my mastectomy that we could buy a little more time and he concurred with Dr. Hanna to go ahead and do surgery ASAP.

Oh...I am not sure I ever wrote that they found NO evidence of cancer in my breast tissue or lymph nodes in the pathology. That meant that the chemotherapy destroyed ALL the cancer. All my doctors were beyond surprised. It was miraculous.

Anyway, Dr. Hanna and Dr. Sailer spoke this morning and my surgery to get these hideous things OUT and the permanent implants in is scheduled for this Friday, April 16th at 2:15 p.m. I am both excited and and nervous. I am not sure what to expect in the outcome. Because the expanders were unable to do what they were supposed to do, I may not get the fullness that matches what I was like before the mastectomy. At this point, I am trying just to be grateful that I even have this option.

Radiation will likely begin by mid-May. I won't know until my May 15th appointment with Dr. Singh if he still believes that I won't have to finish up the chemotherapy that was stopped back in January. I am not counting on anything, but hoping that his research will give me the answer that I want to hear.

Daddy

Many of you already know that my father died two weeks ago on March 30th. He passed away peacefully in his sleep after suffering for the last 6 or so years with Alzheimer's disease.

My mom called me on the evening of Monday, March 29th to tell me that the Hospice caretaker felt dad's passing was impending within a day or two. She said that Daddy had not eaten or drank anything in three days. He had not responded in several days. In that moment I felt an urgent need to be near him. I had not seen my father since early November after my first chemo treatment. I was not able to go to the facility in my immune compromised state.

We gathered up the family and immediately drove to see him. He was so thin, barely over 100 pounds. He was in a non-responsive state, but appeared to be sleeping, although his eyes were half-way open. On Tuesday, I returned with my son, Mark, since he was unable to be with us the night before. We stayed for several hours until my mom was able to get there. She was making the arrangements at the funeral home and cemetery in preparation for the inevitable.

I had to take Mark home so he could get to work. I was only home for 20 minutes when my mother called to tell me that dad had passed on. One moment he was breathing, the next moment he was not.

Within an hour or so, I returned back to the facility to stay with my mom until the funeral home came to take away the vessel that housed my father's spirit for these 82 years.

The next days were filled with many tasks and phone calls making arrangements for my sisters' arrival from their homes across the country and preparing the program for the funeral including helping my kids prepare special music for the funeral.

My mom asked Douglas to give my father's eulogy. It was wonderful. My brother-in-law Will gave a marvelous talk on the Great Plan of Salvation.

I was so happy for my dad, who was now free from the body that had impaired him from being able to communicate with his family and friends. And yet, my daddy had died. It was exquisite joy and sorrow.

Three days. Three days my father had no water. He could not live without it. Water is essential for our bodies. The Living Waters, where we can drink and never thirst again are always here for us if just want to drink.

I am so thirsty.

Healing My Wounds and Heart

2010-03-14T16:16:00.005-04:00

Several of you have expressed concern because I haven't written in a month. I am very appreciative to you who have been so thoughtful. I have started entries several times, and I just stop and think to myself "this isn't what I want to say". So I erase it and stop.

It has been a roller coaster of a ride for the last four weeks. I have had weeks where everyday I have crying spells with feelings of despair...so overwhelmed. It has been difficult to adjust emotionally from the mastectomy and the loss of my breasts. I don't really have the words to explain how that feels.

Then, there is the chronic pain. I have pain from three sources. The first is the incision itself. Even today, six weeks post surgery, I feel as if someone has taken a long piece of rough twine and wrapped it tightly around my chest, where your bra band would be. Well, except it doesn't hurt on my back. I have three places where the incision has not closed and healed. Two of the places are near my sides where the drain tubes were inserted for the week or so post surgery. They are tender and sting when my clothes or anything touches or bumps it. I also have about an inch of the 22" incision that is still an open wound. But, finally this last week, I have seen improvement and it doesn't hurt anymore...it's just really ugly.

The second source of pain is deep inside from nerve damage. One of the consequences of having this surgery with lymph node removal is that nerves are cut and damaged. Although I have no feeling on the surface of my skin at the point of where my breasts used to be, I have sharp jabs of pain deep inside me at those same places.

The third source of pain is referred pain from the above mentioned nerve damage. I have a numb strip that goes down my right upper arm from my shoulder to my elbow, but under that skin is a dull stabbing pain. Unbelievably, I have the same kind of pain on the outer part of my left upper thigh that goes down to my knee and ends in a sharp intermittent stabbing pain.

Thank heaven for good pain medication!!

Sleeping has been tough, because I have to sleep on my back. Those pains I described above made sleeping on my side totally impossible.

Now that the update on all the physical symptoms is complete I can write that I am doing much better emotionally now than a month ago. The steroids have probably all gone out of my system and now I only have mood swings associated with the chemotherapy induced menopause. Not great, but not as bad as the "crazy" I had with the steroids.

Over the next month or so, I will go weekly to the plastic surgeon to gradually have the expanders filled with saline. I cannot start radiation until I am completely expanded. I will start 6-7 weeks of radiation once the expansion is complete, which will be 6 weeks or less from now. Once radiation is complete, I have to go at least 6 months with the filled expanders in place before I have a second outpatient surgery where Dr. Hanna will remove the temporary expanders and replace them with regular saline breast implants. If I have one complaint, it is that all of the details including the knowledge of the second surgery was not explained to me from the beginning.

I have to mention that I have had many hours to contemplate the purpose of adversity in our lives. I really am grateful for the things that I am learning about myself and about how Heavenly Father works in our lives, if we let him. This really has been the most difficult time in my life. But, it also has been the best time of my life for knowing and feeling the love of God and His son, Jesus Christ. Just when I start to feel the worst despair and feelings of being alone, he sends his love through his Spirit or through my family and friends. My faith has been tested, but I continue to stand as a witness of his power and his mercy.

Trying to Find Myself

2010-02-17T20:04:00.003-05:00

It is still difficult to type, since my fingers are still plagued with the numbness of neuropathy, so this will be brief.

The last two weeks of my life have been surreal. I don't even know how to express the life-changing experiences that I have had. I don't think it would have been as difficult, if it hadn't been for the sudden and urgent action that needed to be taken when I had the severe allergic reaction to the Percocet (Oxycodon). Those who saw me during this time were witnesses of true insanity. The heavy IV steriods really did alter my perceptions. The itching was so intense that I now I know why people who feel tortured want to run and jump off buildings. Mere words cannot describe.

I spent from Wednesday through Sunday at the hospital for treatment for the ridiculous rash all over my body. Every day, the itching subsides more and more. Today, there was very little itching.

I cry everyday. I am pretty sore, but healing well. I can't sleep at night because the steroids make you hyper. Doug reminds me everyday that once the steroids get out of me that I will feel more "normal" again. Now, remind me.....what is NORMAL for me? It was so long ago, I just cannot remember.

Seriously though, I couldn't have made it through these last weeks without all of your love and prayers. When I am feeling better, and my fingers aren't so awkward, I will write more.

Hanging in there

2010-02-09T20:13:00.003-05:00

I think the thing that is mostly coming to my mind when coming up with an update about Mom is that there is both progression everyday, but also obstacles. This rash that Mom has because of the antibiotics in the hospital is really making her life miserable. Friday when we went to visit Mom in the hospital she showed us the itchy rash on her wrists. Saturday morning it started to spread and became very uncomfortable. As I said before Mom took Benadryl. Finally Sunday afternoon when it was clearly not getting any better, Elizabeth called the doctor on call who decided that he would remove one of the medications (the antibiotic) and give her another one. Monday she still endured the itching and all the discomfort because of it. Yesterday was the follow up with the plastic surgeon. When he saw the rash Mom said that he was so concerned that he phoned his friend who happened to be a dermatologist to see her right away. (It turned out that Mom had seen that dermatologist some 15 years previously.) He gave mom one oral medication and topical cream for the morning and another oral medication and topical cream for the evening. Mom woke up this morning with terrible itching and discomfort. Because the pharmacy that we currently use was not opened yet, Dad opted to go to the 24-hour Walgreens in downtown Fuquay. The pharmacy told Dad that they would need the doctor's office to complete an insurance form in order for them to fill the prescription. This has resulted in phone tag at the doctor's office and to make a long story short, she still doesn't have the prescriptions she needs. Though the plastic surgeon was hesitant to give Mom prednisone - which would clear the rash up speedy quick - he went ahead and called it in. Prednisone also makes Mom's immune system even more compromised, so we have to be even more careful with anyone who goes near her. Don't let that you be afraid to come and visit, though. We have complimentary hand sanitizer and face masks if you're not feeling 100%.

I think Mom is being as positive as she can be right now. She has already accomplished so much. She even said that if it weren't for the dumb rash, she would be doing okay. She said she has learned to move, sit, and sleep in such a way that does not make her too uncomfortable.

We continue to feel the love, prayers, and support from everyone. The calls, emails, visits, comments, and dinners have been wonderful. I am so grateful that Dad and Elizabeth are here too. Having family around is so comforting. I can't imagine my life without them. Mom has done so much for everyone, we are grateful to give back to her.

She's home

2010-02-06T09:34:00.002-05:00

Last night around 8 o'clock mom and dad came home. Mom is in a lot of pain but did so well walking from the car to the house and up the stairs to her bedroom. She is being so brave and already showing that she's gonna give it her best. For some strange reason she started having some sort of allergic reaction and became very uncomfortable last night. We called the pharmacy and made sure it was okay for her to take some Benadryl along with her other meds. This morning dad said that she did okay last night sleeping. He even got some sleep too! She is still okay with short visits for those of you who would like to stop by. But you'll have to forgive her because she can't come to the door to greet you. Prayers on her behalf for comfort, sleep, and a speedy recovery are definitely being felt. Keep them coming!

Morning update

2010-02-05T10:45:00.002-05:00

Well I just spoke with dad. He said that mom had a difficult night. When asked about visits, mom said that she would be up for them but only short ones. If you do go, please arrange your visit with dad. She is at Cary Wake Med in Room #120. For the phone number (for my dad or the room), please call us at the house.

One other thing he said is that they would be discharging her today. Dad said that the doctors have good reasons for it, but he didn't go into detail. Let's all pray that mom has a comfortable day.

Another update

2010-02-04T23:12:00.002-05:00

10:20 - Dad said that he would be seeing mom any minute from then and that she is in an observation room overnight.

11:00 - Dad is in the room with mom. She is awake, but in A LOT of pain. She is cognisant of things and aware of her surroundings. In other words, she's not talking gibberish. In fact, she can't talk because she was intubated for so long - her mouth/throat is very dry. Dad said that she may be put into another room in the morning, but the place where she is now would likely be hers until she is discharged. Dad is doing well and caught up on some work and all the magazines he's been putting off reading until now. He said that everything took longer then he expected. But also sounded relieved that mom was done and awake. Because she is in A LOT of pain, he anticipated that it would be a rough night. She's getting morphine every 2 hours, so we'll see! Dad put me on speaker phone for her to hear me. I gave her my love and all the love that everyone has been sending. Dad said that she nodded her head.

Surgery update

2010-02-04T22:03:00.003-05:00

Hello to all! This is Catherine, Sally's daughter. Here's a timeline of events from mom's surgery today:

12:50 - Dad called and said that they were wheeling her away. He said she was a little weepy, but was given the good drugs so seemed comfortable. The surgery was scheduled to begin at 12:30, but I remember her saying that all the doctors wanted to speak with her before the surgery, so that's probably what delayed it.

3:40 - Dad called to let us know that the surgeon was finished and now the plastic surgeon was taking over.

8:00 - Dad called to let us know that Mom was out of surgery. Things went well and doctors said that all was routine. She was being placed in recovery for an hour and then dad would see her. He will be staying the night with her.

Mom said that they would keep her 24 hours from the time she was placed into a "real" room. So, we are expecting her to be back late Friday night. But that is the plan for now. We'll see how things go overnight and such and how well she can manage the pain as well.

There have been people who have expressed a desire to send flowers or a gift. Because of the short duration of her stay at the hospital, we would suggest sending these to her home. If you are looking for alternative gift suggestions, please contact me or Elizabeth.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, thoughts, and love. Please keep them coming. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. Much love to all.

Fear Not!

2010-02-03T23:10:00.003-05:00

It's a little past eleven o'clock. I have taken some Xanax and an Ambien in hopes that I will sleep well, and not be troubled with any anxiety during the night.

I am so grateful for your prayers and words of love and encouragement regarding my surgery tomorrow. Honestly, I cannot believe that this day is here.

Each day since Monday I have felt more and more comfort.

I have always been a proponent of the philosophy that "knowledge is power". As I met with the anesthesiologist yesterday and he addressed my concerns (OK, who is kidding who--they were darn right fears) I felt much less fearful about that aspect of the surgery. Understanding what will happen each step of the way helps me. Today I spoke with three of my sisters, Ruth Ellen Jo Ann and Colleen, who also, from their own experiences helped me understand and fear it less.

This afternoon I met with Dr. Donald Hanna, my plastic surgeon who will be doing the reconstruction surgery. I felt such confidence in him as he talked me through the steps of what will happen tomorrow, and then what will happen in the coming weeks and months as the reconstruction process continues. I also left with an awful lot of purple marker drawn all over my chest. I am a sight right now.

My surgery is scheduled for 12:30 p.m. The estimated time of surgery is anywhere from 6 to 8 hours. It will be late in the evening before I will be in my room at Wake Med Cary. I will probably have Doug or one of my daughters post an entry late tomorrow night or early Friday with an update.

There is a scripture in the New Testament that has been going through my mind since Monday evening. It has brought me great comfort.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love, and of a sound mind"

2 Timothy 1:7

I feel the power that comes through my faith in Christ and the love that embraces me from you, my friends and from my Father in Heaven. My mind is now at peace with the process that awaits me tomorrow and in the coming months.

My fears are replaced with the Power of Love.

Time to Face my Fears!

2010-02-01T10:51:00.003-05:00

Everything has changed.

Last Monday, I met with my oncologist, Dr. Singh, per usual before my chemotherapy treatment. He asked about how my body was handling the Taxol treatments.

He became highly concerned when I told him about how difficult it had become for me to walk without assistance and was especially concerned regarding the numbness in my fingers and feet. He sat and pondered for a few minutes and then told me that while we want me to be well, he didn't want me to become handicapped in the process. The neuropathy in my hands and feet could get significantly worse with additional Taxol treaments, and it is known that sometimes the numbness is permanent.

We have known for many weeks that the treatments have been very effective in shrinking the large mass of cancer. He examined me and really felt like it had shrunk enough to make surgery possible now. He called Dr. Hamad, my surgeon, right there in the office to discuss the possibility and I had an appointment for the next day to meet with her to see if she concurred. I left without having to have any treatment last Monday.

Dr. Hamad did concur that I was in a good situation for safe and effective surgery. She told me it would be in 2 - 3 weeks. My head was spinning. This is all happening so fast.

Now, I don't get out of the last chemo treatments, as Dr. Singh said that a few months later, I would eventually have to have them, but that he would use the alternate Taxotere instead. This is pretty stinky! He says that it usually doesn't have as severe of side effects, but everything I have read about it says that the exact same side effects, plus some extra ones are possible. Additionally, my hair would have started to grow back in by a few months from now, and then I will have to lose it all over again. I am trying not to think about this until later.

I called the surgeon's office last Thursday, because I hadn't been notified of my surgical date. She said she was working on it, and that she'd know by Friday morning. Well, I never got a call on Friday.

This morning, just two hours ago, the nurse, Debra, called. She said that when she was setting up the surgery on Friday, the soonest they could do was February 23rd. That was further away than I expected. BUT, she said...just this morning there was a cancellation for Thursday. THIS COMING THURSDAY!!!!

I felt a whoosh of terror and panic come over me, and I started to cry. Could I be emotionally prepared for all of this in three short days? She said I could call her back later this morning, but that she had offered it to me first and she needed to know soon so that she could offer it to another patient.

I fell apart. I talked with Doug. I talked with Catherine and called Elizabeth. They see it as a blessing that I have less time to stress about it and, they know that I would, because I already have since last Monday's shocker. Rip the band-aid off fast!!!

Catherine's words had the most impact, "you want to get the cancer out of you as soon as possible".

So, I faced my fear and called Debra back and took the available surgery time for this Thursday, February 4th. I arrive at the hospital at 10:00 for a noon surgery.

I am trying so hard not to be scared.

But I am. I think that now I am more afraid of the emotional aspects of what they are actually doing--the removing of my breasts--than the surgery itself. Although, since I have never had general anesthetic nor any surgery before, I face that unknown with several degrees of trepidation too.

This surgery is happening TWO MONTHS earlier than anticipated. That's good, right? The road to recovery is faster, right?

I ask for your prayers on my behalf that in this abbreviated time I will feel at peace and be prepared in all ways to make it through the surgical process the same as if I had more time. I pray also that I will feel the love of God embrace me as I go through these next weeks.

You are my Angels

2010-01-26T15:37:00.003-05:00

Thank you so much for your words of comfort and encouragement and love. It has meant so much to me. I have had an outpouring of love extended me through your comments, your phone calls, emails and your visits to me.

I am doing significantly better since that last post. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father for me through you, my friends.

I will be back very soon with a more complete update.

Struggling

2010-01-13T09:59:00.002-05:00

I knew that eventually this day would come. A day when all I could say is: "This is so hard, I am struggling and tired of all this." I have hit that point. In my first post, I said that I would just write whatever I was feeling that day.

I started writing a post yesterday, trying to be strong and positive about the last week and a half since my last treatment. I wrote a few sentences and just couldn't go on.

The fact is I am losing it a bit. The intense pain has truly affected my ability to be rational and positive. The pain is so intense in my bones and my muscles sometimes all I can do is cry. I can't sleep so the nights are long and lonely. The narcotics barely take the edge off. I am so weak, I can hardly walk, my hip joints are so wobbly. I have come to the point where I see how much more there is that I will have to go through and, I am scared.

And because I am in a chemically induced menopause, in a very condensed time, I am dealing with all the issues and symptoms, including mood swings, that go with that.

I am tired of being able to do nothing, go no where and being alone. The days are so long.

I am experienced enough with life to know that these feelings won't last. But, this is what I am facing and feeling today.

"God Bless Us, Everyone!"

2009-12-31T14:03:00.006-05:00

I realized that I need to seize the moment to make my last entry for 2009. A new decade begins tomorrow that will undoubtedly bring with it its blessings and its challenges. I just wanted to leave with those that read the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head for the last week and a half.

Christmas was wonderful. Physically, it was the most challenging time of my entire life. Really. The side effects of this new drug were quite intense. They are much more severe than with the first round of chemo drugs. As for my spirit, I was happy and delighted to be surrounded by my sweet family. It was wonderful to speak to Eric, our full time missionary, on the telephone.

Starting on the Wednesday after my treatment, I had much worse nausea than I had yet experienced with chemotherapy. In addition to that, I experienced severe pain in all my bones and joints. Deep down to the bone marrow pain. This lasted for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (Christmas Day). The pain had lessened a bit for Saturday, and I was grateful, since I had to finish up the two wedding cakes for delivery later on Saturday.

On Sunday afternoon, I began to have severe chest pains with accelerated heart rate, pounding in my chest and shortness of breath. The best way to describe what I was experiencing is like labor contractions of my heart. I was always at a constant moderate pain level (5 on the 1 to 10 scale) with surges of increasing pain, lasting different lengths of time that brought the pain level to 8 or 9. By 9 o'clock that evening, my daughter, Elizabeth insisted I call the oncologist "on call" doctor. She just suggested I take Percocet to get through the night and to see my doctor the next day. The pain kept me up in waves throughout the night. The pain was often unbearable.

I called the cancer center and was only able to leave a message with the triage nurse. Three hours later, Nurse Jan called to say "come in RIGHT NOW".

When I arrived they checked my vitals and gave me orders to take to Cary Wake Hospital for a CT Scan to check for pulmonary embolism. They gave me a preventative shot of a blood thinner and a very small dose of Morphine for the pain.

I really don't want to take the time to do a play by play of the whole ordeal, but will say that after the CT scan came back negative for a blood clot, it was necessary to have an EKG done, which for some reason, could only be done through the emergency room. Daniel had driven me to the doctor, and was my constant companion through everything. We spent about 6 hours in waiting rooms in the ER in between two EKG's and blood work before I was in an ER room. I was admitted to the hospital overnight for observation to make sure that my blood enzymes did not show any heart damage. The pains had started to subside by the evening. Catherine switched places with Daniel and spent the night with me in my room.

In the morning, I had an echo-cardiogram (ultra sound of my heart) to check further for damage. It took 5 hours to get the results. No damage. (In other words, I did NOT have a heart attack). I left the hospital around 2:00 p.m.

Waiting in the E.R.

Dr. Singh said it is likely just a very severe and unusual side effect of the Taxol. Great. But, he had to rule out the other things to be sure.

I have been very weak and nauseous this whole week. It's just the way it is. But, my spirits are good.

So, back to my thoughts....

Every year, during this season, you can take your pick of any number of incarnations of the classic Dickens tale of "A Christmas Carol". I have seen portions of several versions this year. Just this afternoon I watched one I had never seen before, a more recent musical version starring Kelsey Grammer (Frasier) as Ebeneezer Scrooge.

As an aside, for many, many years, Doug has taken amusing offense to anyone remarking in a disparaging way to anyone who lacks Christmas cheer as a "Scrooge". He says that everyone should be a Scrooge, because he was great and generous man. You see, he choses to see Mr. Ebeneezer as he became in the end, rather than who he was during most of the tale. It's been a good spirited heated topic between he and I.

Today, while watching this new version, I was struck with the message of this tale. It is simply, do not let anything get in your way of living your life and loving one another. Whether it is too much emphasis on material things, whether you are in abundance or struggling; whether it is a grudge in your heart against family or friend; whether it is unexpected adversity or illness or any of another hundred things on the list. There is nothing more important than seizing the opportunity to love and serve others, and for that matter, to love and serve yourself, if you make sure that your service to yourself improves your ability to serve others. I think of it as developing Christ-like attributes.

I cannot tell you how many times, during this last week, with the severe bone and muscle aches and the intense chest pains in my heart, that I thought of our Savior and Redeemer. and knew that what I was experiencing was nothing compared to what he went through for all mankind. And, what's more, is that I see it as a gift to have been given an opportunity to think and feel more deeply upon his sacrifice as it relates specifically to me!

2009 was a fantastic year for me. There were so many great blessings offered to me and my family. We received guidance on the timing to purchase a new home, and where to buy it. I have been given the blessing of learning about how many people really care about me. It has been wonderfully overwhelming. The service that has been offered to me and my family in so many acts of service and kindness are innumerable.

So, if I can offer a bit of advice based on Doug's view of Ebeneezer Scrooge, let us try to see people not as they are now, but as they will become. Most people we encounter really are trying to become better people. Love each other a little more purer. It's kind of like the way our Heavenly Father can see our eternal potential. We'll all be better off if we can be more gentle on ourselves and each other.

So, in the words of the immortalized Tiny Tim, "God Bless Us, Everyone". For all of us deserve God's blessings in this coming year.

Round Two - Treatment One

2009-12-21T23:34:00.009-05:00

My friend Beth, who is my former roommate and dearest friend from my BYU days has been in town assisting in the wedding preparations for the wedding and just all around helping me. She an Doug took me to my treatment today. Doug left when the treatment part began. Beth and I were there for 7 hours. 7 VERY LONG hours. My chemo-treatment lasted for over 4 hours, the rest of the time was spent having lab work down, and seeing the doctor (actually the P.A.) and WAITING around to have the lab work, and see the the P.A. There was so much more waiting than usual. The treatment room was filled and they were short staffed.

Because this was a new drug for me, they gave me extra doses of steroids and anti-allergens to handle the potency of this Taxol. I slept almost the whole time. Oh, except, after all waiting for lab work and doctor visits I became terribly hungry....and a bit grouchy. Doug went to the very near Harris Teeter and got me the most awesome sub-sandwich. It was delicious. The pre-meds took effect and I was sound asleep for most of the time. That was really nice. Given the ridiculous pace I had been keeping in the weeks before, I deserved drug induced sleep.

Now I am groggy and read to go to bed. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Oh, and here are sneak peak at some wedding photos. Just click on the link for my Picasa album called The Wedding of Michael and Kristin Plautz. Enjoy!!!

Merry Christmas my dear friends. I had a mini breakdown tonight, because although I had convinced myself during the previous months that I would be happy enough to have the energy to enjoy Michael's wedding and that Christmas would take care of itself some how or another, I realized that I was quite sad to forgo the decades of family traditions established by the Douglas and Sally Plautz Family. It was too late to afford to purchase the 7 racks of baby back ribs to have for our traditional Christmas Day dinner. This is a task I spend the 2 1/2 months before Christmas stocking up on as they go on half price or other extraordinary specials that make it possible for me to buy enough for my ever growing family.

Also, I make homemade candy each year. I have done this for 30 year, never missing, sometimes late, but never missing. I usually make homemade vanilla caramels, a special family recipe, buckeye candies (peanut butter balls dipped in chocolate in the shape of the Ohio Buckeye nut), Almond Rocca, an almond toffee square completely dipped in milk chocolate lightly dusted in almond dust. Then, I end it with caramel/chocolate turtles. When I am feeling really ambitious, I made my own recipe of a "York Style" Peppermint Patty. It is my personal favorite.

Catherine has stepped up to make buckeyes, but I am pretty sure that is where it is ending.

It's more about completing family traditions than it is about the tradition itself.

I am trying to let go, knowing that one year missed will not be a tragedy. And, that while my kids may remember the year we ate something "less special" for dinner and we had candy from a bag. They will also remember why and I hope, like I do, remember that this time of my life and the healing and the surviving is far more important. I know that my children love me, and their love will help heal my heart for my saddness with my inability to make everything perfect this year.

And let's not forget, there WILL be other years to celebrate life. I will celebrate MY life in conjunction with our Saviour's life. And while I do not mean to add disrespect to the grand plan that includes the birth of Jesus Christ, as it pertains to all mankind, I also cannot minimize the value of my life as in pertains to my own personal posterity. One must taste the bitter in order to prize the sweet. No one really talks about how you can actually realize those two opposites all in the same event. Everyday I taste both. I turn from the one and draw towards and embrace the sweet. You are all part of that sweet. I need you so much.

Time to face the bitter, the trying to fall asleep, but I know sometime in the night, the bitter will surrender and the sweet will envelope me with love and the rest of the Lord.

"off" week

2009-12-15T14:40:00.004-05:00

I can't believe that it has been so long since I last posted anything. In between resting, there has been much to do in preparation for my son, Michael's wedding, which is this coming Saturday.

This is my bonus week. Dr. Singh allowed me to add an additional week before I begin round two of my chemo treatments. I would have normally had a treatment yesterday. But, to help me have an extra week of recovery so that I can be stronger for Michael and Kristin's wedding, I got to skip it. The trade off is that I have to have my treatment next Monday, which is the day before my birthday and the week of Christmas. I will be pretty sick for the Christmas, but I would much rather have the strength to enjoy my son's wedding day.

I am frustrated with my limitations during this season. I want to "do". I have five areas in which I have tasks that need to be accomplished:

1) the wedding cake for Michael and Kristin

2) the reception food

3) making the boutineers and corsages for the wedding party

4) Christmas Stockings for my in-law children (a joint effort with Catherine)

5) Christmas "shopping" (for me mostly online this year)

The wedding cake is coming along. It is a 5 tier design covered in white fondant and with fondant draping and white sugar roses that requires more time and attention than the average wedding cake. I saw a photograph of this cake when looking for ideas for another bride. I showed it to Kristin and she fell in love and had to have this cake design. And really, isn't that one of the perks of having a wedding cake designer/baker for your future mother-in-law.

I'll tell you all something about this cake..shh...don't divulge my little secret...the top four tiers are not really cake, rather decorated styro-foam cake forms.

Since we always have open house style receptions I always have had "kitchen" cakes made in all the different cake flavors that are ready to cut at the beginning of the reception for those who arrive early, long before the cake cutting. People shouldn't be penalized for arriving early. Everyone deserves cake.

When I made Mary and Christian's cake, her top three tiers were "fake cake" and the bottom two were real cake with another 150 servings of kitchen cake. There was SO much cake left over which we happily gave to people who helped. But, in the end, Mary has a reminder of her cake every time she comes over because I have the top part of her cake on display above the kitchen cabinets.

So, I decided to do the same thing for Kristin. She'll have a four tier replica of her wedding cake on display to remind her of her happy day every time she comes over. Some day, I hope to make replicas of Elizabeth and Catherine's cakes as well.

What this means is that I can work on all the fake tiers days in advance, because there is nothing perishable about these tiers. The actual cake for the enormous bottom 17" round bottom tier will be made on Thursday. But, I still have about three hours of work on the four fake tiers to go.

About a week ago, my dear friend Beth arrived from L.A. to attend the wedding and to help me with advance preparations. The week has flown by. She is most willing to help with whatever task I give her. Mostly it is going to the grocery store to get ingredients for the food we are making for the wedding reception and making the food to put in the freezer. We have made good progress and thanks to several kind friend who offered to make the other recipes, we didn't have as much to do. She will also be a big help with the flowers, as she has done this before.

The Christmas Stockings is my "I can rest while I do this project" and it has been fun. But now that it is the week of the wedding, I don't have time to work on them and that makes me sad. I made my children's Christmas stockings (felt stocking with felt appliqué and sequins to make them sparkle). I had always wanted to make a stocking for each of my new sons and daughters (I like that better than the word "in law). Catherine bought the supplies and together we searched coloring pages on line for items to use as patterns for the appliqué. She and I cut out the felt and then I started hand sewing the items on the stocking. I got those done in a day or two, but the sequins take forever and that is where I am at right now.

Christmas shopping is all done, except for one item Doug must pick up at Wal Mart. This is the first time in 20 years that I haven't had to complete shopping on Christmas Eve. Go me....well, go 'on-line shopping'.

Now, suddenly I am seeing that this is pretty ambitious for someone with my weaker than usual constitution. But, you see, my life still goes on. Cancer can't stop me. Or, should I say, chemotherapy can't stop me. I won't let it. It definitely slows me down. I had my first outing day yesterday going to two stores: Aldi's and WalMart. I was gone a total of 2.5 hours that seemed like 4. I was spent. It was just too much. Today I am paying for it. I am so fatigued and weak that I can barely function no less stay awake. I have a headache too.

This is the first time that I have had an "extra" week between chemo treatments. I really thought that I would feel different. "Better" different. But, not so much. Still tired and weary. I have got to rest and not wear myself out so that I can be strong for Saturday, which I know will be a VERY long day. It will all be worth it.

I refuse to let my spirits drop. This is my favorite time of the year and I want to be a part of the joy of the Christmas season in anyway that I still can. Daily I am filled with gratitude for family and friends and good doctors and nurses. Mostly, I am grateful to Heavenly Father for sustaining me the last two and half months. I am not alone. Not ever.

I wish you all the most peaceful and joyous Christmas with all the blessings of heaven poured down on you and your families.

Gratitude

2009-12-02T11:19:00.005-05:00

It seems entirely too predictable that I would be focusing on gratitude at this time of the year. And yet, I believe that given the challenging circumstances that I am facing right now that I would be feeling these same emotions regardless of the season. It just so happens that I am in the middle of chemotherapy during the holiday season.

What I am really trying to express is, I think that even if it were the summer time, and I had hit my halfway through chemotherapy mark, that I would become just as reflective upon the great blessings that have been bestowed so generously upon me.

I had my last of the AC Chemo treatments on Monday. Wow! First round of chemo is done! It was harder on my body this time than the last two. It was more like the first treatment. I could not believe how weak I was. I am not just describing tired, but a frail and weakness through my entire body that makes it difficult for me to walk, lift my arms, well, it is difficult to move my body.

Patti was sick this week, so my daughter Catherine took me to my appointment. I don't know if I have ever met anyone in my entire life who is more kind than my daughter Catherine. She just emits such positive light. I am so thankful for her.

The treatment room was filled with more patients than I had ever seen before. There are probably 20 - 24 recliner seats in the room, and maybe there were two empty chairs. The thing that I noticed is that I was the youngest patient in the room. The treatment area was quiet on Monday, more so than usual. Most of the patients slept or listened to music via i-pod style players. Some were alone, but most, like me had a companion with them who patiently sat beside them during the treatments. My treatment takes about 3 hours, but there are some patients whose treatment regime takes 5-6 hours or more.

I slept more than usual, but when I was alert I just kept thinking about what treatment rooms were like 20 years, even 10 years ago. They were not quiet places. Patients experienced the most violent nausea and were vomiting during the treatments. I just kept thinking of these heros who paved the way so that scientists would earnestly seek to develop medications to suppress the hideous side effects. The side effects that I experience are nothing compared to what they could have been. I am thankful, so very thankful to those who suffered so that I would not have to suffer as much.

Still, today I am feeling pretty nauseated, with the usual Neulasta induced headache. As I have mentioned before, I have terrible insomnia. Last month I had my family doctor write a prescription for Ambien, but insurance companies will not fill more than two weeks of medicine for these "controlled" substances. I had to resort to taking them every other night to make them last. They were too low of a dose, so I would get, at the most, 4-5 consecutive hours of sleep. But, that was way better than the alternative.

When I met with Dr. Singh on Monday he wrote a prescription for Ambien CR, the extended release version, hoping that this formula would help me get a full night of sleep. I took the medicine at 9:15 p.m. so that by 10:00 p.m. I could be fast asleep. I was still awake at 10:30 p.m., not feeling the least bit sleepy. At 11:00 p.m. I went to my bed thinking I at least needed to be in a sleeping position to get things started. I was still awake at 11:45 p.m.

As I laid there, strange things started to happen. I felt my heart rate start increasing. Racing. I couldn't get a deep breath. I was almost hyper-ventilating. Restless. Scared. I went downstairs, as Doug was still up working. I told him how I was feeling. I started crying uncontrollably and described myself as feeling like I was having a panic attack. No sooner than I had said those words, Doug had pulled up on the computer information of a rare side effect from Ambien CR that caused the exact symptoms that I was experiencing. He found a support thread that had individual after individual reporting similar symptoms in various degrees of intensity.

The worst of it lasted about an hour. I went back upstairs and laid down with a heating pad over my head and eyes, which was quite soothing. Doug came upstairs and just sat with me while continuing to work on his laptop, keeping a hand on my shoulder or arm so that I wouldn't feel alone. I felt calmer, but my heart was still beating quite fast. I don't remember when I finally fell asleep, but I remember waking up in the middle of the night, perhaps around 3 or 4 in the morning feeling like I had been run over. I woke up again at 6 a.m. again at 7:30 and then slept hard until 9:15.

Fortunately, I don't have to do anything but rest and sleep today after I post this. Kim is coming this afternoon to work on this weekend's wedding cakes. I am so thankful for Kim. She is always cheerful about working on the cakes. I know it is hard work and it is not convenient for her and there must be something she would rather be doing. But, I don't know what I would do without her. When her twin girls get married, I will make the biggest, baddest most awesome wedding cakes for each of them. I think that after I am well, I will also keep her girls for an entire week so that she can go do what ever she wants to do. I am open to any suggestions of what I possibly could do to repay the incredible service she has provided for me and my family.

One final thought: I appreciate so much every gesture of kindness, every message and note and thought and prayer that you have extended to me. I have not been able to respond to each of you individually, but please know that you mean so much to me. Thank you for your love. I love you too.

Complaints 1.0

2009-11-18T10:24:00.010-05:00

I have had a difficult time trying to come back here and write, because everything I could think to write about was sort of whiny. I have tried to be so positive, and really I still am. But, too bad, so sad, better go get some cheese to go with the "whine" that I am about to share.

1.0 - No one ever lists in possible side effects of chemotherapy that you can have the worst insomnia. It is making me crazy. I even take the medicines for nausea that are also supposed to make you sleepy. Most of the time, when I finally fall asleep, I am waking up every 1-2 hours all night long. I tried going to sleep without any medication, and I was awake all night long. Will I ever be able to sleep on my own again?

So, I think I figured out one of the reasons this is happening. As my husband can attest, I was the kind of person, that would be asleep within 30 seconds of my head hitting the pillow. I realized that since all this started 6 weeks ago, I have not been able to work like I used to. I worked long, hard days in the kitchen. Exhausting work. Now, I lay on the couch or bed like a slug, because I don't have any energy. My body isn't getting tired out, and chemically induced fatigue is just not the same thing.

Did I just really imply that I miss working?

1.1 - I get sores in my mouth and in my throat that make eating impossibly painful. I cannot even drink my favorite Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper, because the carbonation causes too much pain going down. sad face.

1.2 - I have bruising at the nail beds of my finger nails. I thought I must have inadvertently smashed my thumb. Then, I noticed 5 other finger nails with the same thing. I looked up (I am sure doctors hate that patients Google symptoms) and sure enough...this is a potential side effect. Lovely!

1.3 - What short little whiskers of hairs that are left on my head are annoying. Your hair grows out of your head with a nap, like fabrics and carpets have a nap. When those little hairs are forced to bend the opposite direction than how they grow out of your head, it hurts. This happens when you lay down with little hats on, or even just with your head against your pillow as you move through the night. I wish that they would just all fall out already.

1.4 - Nausea. No, I am not tossing my cookies, but I live with a constant mild to moderate nausea. Yuk. It was more fun being pregnant, because at least in the end you'd get a cute little baby.

1.5 - Since I am nauseated all the time, I don't have much of an appetite, so I eat very little. And yet, have I lost even ONE pound? NO!!!!! Enough said.

1.6 - Stupid power port! This port that is in the upper inside of my left arm is annoying. It worked pretty well when they used it the first time for my 2nd treatment, but at my chemo treatment that was just two days ago, I had a different nurse. She stuck the needle in the port area. I was expecting a tiny little pinch like before. NOT SO MUCH! She must have missed the spot. I was in agony. She kept shifting it around trying to tap in and it took forever for her to get it right. I actually had tears come to my eyes it was so painful. It was like she was stabbing me over and over. It stung for about 10 minutes after the fact. And now, two days later, anytime it gets bumped it hurts like the dickens. Ugh. This was supposed to make it easier.

1.7 - Headaches!! no, not just headaches....HEADACHES!!!!I get my Neulasta injection on the day after the chemo treatments. One of the side effects can be a headache. It starts about 3-5 hours after I get the shot. That means I have a headache on Tuesday afternoon and go to bed with it that night and wake up with it Wednesday morning...and it lasts usually until Saturday or Sunday. This is really the most debilitating side effect that I have. They knock me out and I cannot function.

1.8 - Terrible Bone pain! This is a new one for this week. It is a side effect that is listed, but I haven't had it until this week. My joints in my arms, hips, lower back and knees make me look like I am 90 years old when I try to get up and walk. I am pathetic.

1.9 - I learned at my last treatment that when I start the second round of chemotherapy the week of Christmas, that my treatments will be every three weeks. The drug Taxol is just too toxic to administer every two weeks like I have had for this first round. I was not mentally prepared for this. I kept thinking that I only had to make it to February 1st, and now it adds another month onto the chemo process. It just delays the surgery and then the radiation. I got in my head that by May all the treatments would be complete. Now it likely will not be until the end of June.

OK....it's out of my system, and I am done now.

Most days I am completely optimistic. Uncomfortable, but optimistic. I just try to take everything one day at a time. Some of those days are very long, but every day that goes by puts me one day closer to the end of all the treatments.

Next week is Thanksgiving already. I have so much to be thankful for. Truly. The blessings in my life far outweigh any hardships.

I wanted to thank you all for your uplifting and encouraging comments. It really means so much to me. There isn't a day that goes by that at least one person reaches out to me and extends their love. I feel the power of all your prayers uttered on my behalf. Thank you so much.

Oh yes, it was really difficult!

2009-11-05T22:20:00.010-05:00

I had my second chemotherapy treatment on Monday. Patti took me to my appointment. My blood work looked excellent and Dr. Singh was delighted. He examined me, but I could have told you myself that the large tumor had shrunk considerably just with the first treatment. It's working! Good thing, because it would be really tough to go through all the yucky symptoms if it wasn't.

The treatment time was to be about 2 plus hours. There has to be something to kill the time, so Patti brought a book to read to me. She selected the delightful Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

I have to say, if you are a fan of the Jane Austen classic, and you have a good sense of humor and great imagination, this is a great read. I can't wait to hear the next chapters at my next treatment. Did I really say that I was looking forward to my next treatment?

The anti-nausea meds that they give make me kind of sleepy, so we had to stop after a while. I had a side effect with the Cytoxan that I didn't experience the first time. If delivered through the infusion pump too quickly, it can make your sinuses burn like crazy, and burn they did. It was like the worst sinus attack I have ever had.

Then, when Jan started pushing the Adriamycin, I started feeling really light headed. I have felt this way before, so I knew that my blood pressure was dropping. Jan, my nurse came to my rescue and took my BP and confirmed it. She stopped delivering the Adriamycin and stabilized me. The rest of the time went by fairly quickly.

I had the worst headache the rest of the day and I was exhausted.

On Tuesday morning, my hair started coming out in large handfuls. If I had stayed in the shower long enough, rinsing my hair, I am quite certain that I could have washed every hair off of my scalp. I grew weary of the process and just towel dried my hair. There was a lot of hair in that towel.

I decided to be proactive and called Claire, my stylist for over 12 years, and she had me come to her shop at 9:00 p.m. on Tuesday evening so she could take the clippers to my hair and just finish the job.

Doug and Benjamin and I drove up to Cary. Catherine met us there, as did Christian and Mary. This was my support group.

First she scissor cut my hair to about an inch or so. I dealt with that all right. She began shaving the back first, while I looked in the mirror. I was doing pretty well, until she made the first stroke across the front of my scalp. I put my teared up eyes in my hands. I saw an old man sitting in my chair. It didn't help when my daughter, Catherine said that I looked like my father.

This was hard. Much harder than I thought it would be.

After I wiped away my few tears, Doug planted a big kiss on the top of my head, and then I put on a scarf and a hat. It was pretty chilly that night. We all went to Dairy Queen and enjoyed ice cream to cap off the adventurous evening.

The deed was done, and there is no turning back now.

The shaving of the locks

(warning, it is 4 minutes long)

It is finished.....sigh

It was nice to have my family with me. They kept me laughing, and that is always good. Feel the love. It's all around.

The only thing you can plan on is change

2009-10-30T08:57:00.006-04:00

I am sick. Yesterday, I could start feeling the cold symptoms starting. By the late afternoon, I was down for the count. This morning, I can hardly breathe and my nose is runny too. Then there is the coughing and sneezing. I have a call into the oncologists office so they can tell me what meds I can take and what to do.

What I do know is that I will NOT be going down to Beaufort today for the weekend with Elizabeth and my grand-daughters. There is only a slight chance that we will go at all.

Three months!!! Three months is how long we have planned this trip. When we went down to Beaufort for our "stay-cation" the first week of August we knew our first opportunity to come back would be for Halloween weekend and Charlotte's first birthday. It was a perfect plan. No school on Friday, no cakes scheduled for the entire week. Just a leisurely drive to the coast of NC.

...not so much...

I am sorely disappointed.

What this also means is that I won't be with my daughter's for my hair falling out/head shaving party.

On Sunday, I noticed that my head was very itchy and it just felt weird. There was a fair amount of shedding as I washed and styled my hair for church. Every day, when I comb my hair, their is a light dusting of hair on the counter. Each day the amount increases. Yesterday there was significantly more shedding. Not in clumps, just single strands shedding from my scalp. It became necessary to pull my hair into a little bity pony tail and wear a hat so that it wouldn't fall all over.

My son Michael and his fiance Kristin came over for their cake tasting for their wedding cake. That really brightened up my evening. I pulled out what energy I could to help them through their tasting, and then crashed after they left. Here's a preview of what to expect from their wedding cake:

chocolate-chocolate chip cake with raspberry mousse and chocolate ganache

vanilla cake with strawberry mousse

spice cake with cream cheese filling

coconut-chocolate chip cake with white chocolate mousse

I knew I was feeling sick, because I didn't even share a single bite of cake with them.

This week I have called my "off week", meaning there was no chemo treatment. Somehow I had come up with the idea that I would feel normal this week, that every day after chemo would improve until I felt all right again. And, although I did improve when comparing days 3 through 6 to the days after, certain symptoms just don't go away.

Every day I wake up with mild nausea. This is made worse by having to take my medicines on an empty stomach. I have one medicine that MUST be taken on an empty stomach and then wait 1 hour before I can eat. I also always have a headache that can range from mildly annoying to darn-right pounding.

The fatigue is the most consuming thing. I am exhausted all the time, as if I have been working hard all day. And yet, I have not done much at all.

Yesterday morning, Doug and I had appointments for lab work associated with routine appointments with our family doctor that are next week. We left together at 8:15 a.m. I actually felt pretty good. By the time the appointment was over, I said to Doug "This is the absolute best I have felt since my first treatment". So, I decided to drive him to Wake Tech and keep the car so I could go to WalMart to pick up my prescriptions and look for a birthday present for Charlotte.

It was the first time that I had driven alone since October 2nd. It was great. I was feeling free and normal for a change. I arrived at WalMart and took care of my pharmacy items. I started walking around the store, just browsing. By the time I got to the back of the store where the toys were, I began to fade. I had to lean against the cart to help me walk through the rest of the store to pick up the few grocery items we needed.

I got home, unloaded the car and crashed on the couch. There was no more energy. It was just too much for me. When I woke up, I could feel the tingly-itch in the back of my throat that is my tell-tale sign that a cold is coming. About an hour after that, my nose was running.

Kim and her little girls came by to bring some cake stuff and visited with me for a while. After that, more sleeping until the fam got home from school and work.

I am so frail now. I don't LIKE that. It is frustrating to feel so weak.

Benjamin brought in the mail. There were more post cards for me to read. A sister from the Cary 2nd ward, wrote some scriptures that had touched her during her own difficult trials and wanted to share them with me. This one really applies right now:

"...for if they never should have bitter, they could not know the sweet..."

D&C 29:39

I had a little taste of the sweet when I got up yesterday morning and felt so well, after having been so sick. But, I have to realize that those moments for me, during the coming months, will be short lasting. Besides, these days the sweet comes in so many other ways.

Chemical Warfare!

2009-10-24T09:11:00.011-04:00

This last Monday I met with my medical oncologist, Dr. Singh. He had all the results of all the tests and scans that I had the week before. Thankfully, there were no surprises. The biopsy I had on Wednesday did show that the cancer had metastasized to the lymph nodes. That was expected, but now it was confirmed: Stage III Breast Cancer. The CT and bone scan showed no cancer anywhere else in my body. YEAH! But, I did learn that I have a small cyst on my ovary (unrelated) some gall stones, and arthritis in my lower back. I knew all too well about the arthritis.

My heart scan indicated a very healthy heart. You are given a percentage score as your result. Dr. Singh said that the heart of an athlete in training would be in the 70-75 percent range. Mine was 65. Not bad for a plus size 50 year old woman.

Now that all the tests were done, it was time to get down to the business of killing cancer cells. Because of the size and aggressiveness of my cancer, Dr. Singh was putting me on a "dose dense" chemotherapy regime of AC + T. This means that instead of the usual three week cycle of treatments (4 treatments evenly distributed over a 12 week period) I will have mine every other week (4 treatments over an 8 week period) Also, because I have "node positive" cancer, I will be given three different chemicals in my chemotherapy. The cycle of 8 weeks will be a chemo cocktail that consists of Adriamycin and Cytoxan. That will be followed by another 8 week cycle of four doses of Taxol or Taxotere (I don't know which yet).

THE SCIENCE

For those who want to know the science behind the treatment, here's how the chemotherapy drugs work. Pretend you are in your 11th grade science class.

Adriamycin fights cancer by slowing or stopping the growth of cancer cells. This drug gets inside the DNA of cancer cells and prevents cell replication by inhibiting protein synthesis. It also forms oxygen free radicals which can result in heart and circulatory damage. (which is why I needed the heart scan)

Cytoxan works on cancer cells by damaging their RNA or DNA when they are in their resting phase (not dividing). Because Cytoxan causes breaks in the DNA of cancer cells, they can't keep dividing and they die. This drug will also affect normal cells, but will have less affect on those cells, since they divide more slowly and are better able to fix DNA breaks than cancer cells. Some of the normal cells that will be affected include: blood, mouth tissue, digestive tract and hair follicles.

After the AC combination, the Taxol will be administered.

Taxol is called a mitotic inhibitor. Cells grow by a process called mitosis (cell division). Taxol targets rapidly growing cancer cells, sticks to them while they are trying to divide, and prevents them from completing the division process. Since the cancer cells cannot divide into new cells, it can't grow and metastasize.

Taxol is included in my chemo regime because my cancer grew so incredibly fast, and because it has already metastasized to the lymph nodes and that needs to stop to prevent the cancer from spreading further. The hope is to shrink the cancer tumors before surgery, to make the surgery safer and insure that they can remove all the cancer.

Science Class is now over.

PORT-A-CATH

I had a surgical procedure on Monday. They put a Power Port in my upper arm. This is so that they do not have to tap into a new vein for every chemo treatment and blood draw that will be coming in the next months. The chemo drugs are very powerful and can damage the smaller veins. The port is surgically implanted under the skin and then a catheter is fed through a blood vessel.

This was called a simple surgical procedure. For me, this was not simple. I was quite nervous. They give me several shots of a local anesthetic, but I was quite awake for the whole procedure. I could feel a lot of what they were doing, and it was really uncomfortable...and often painful. Some of the sensations, were very unusual and I didn't like it at all. I really wished I had been sedated.

Michelle was my surgical nurse. I could not have made it through this without her. She was so understanding of my fears. I have never had a surgery before. Not one, ever. She held my hand the whole time and helped encourage me. She even wiped away my tears when I started to cry a little during the most difficult part. Michelle was my angel in the operating room.

My arm was in such pain and the bruising was so large, that they couldn't even use the port for my first chemo treatment, which was on Tuesday. Today is Saturday, and my arm still hurts where the port is and where the incision was made. I know it is for my good, but I didn't like this part at all.

MY FIRST CHEMO TREATMENT

On Tuesday, Doug went with me for my first treatment. It took about 3 hours, but should only take about 2 hours for subsequent treatments. Once the IV was in, they administered anti-nausea medicine with benadryl since there can be allergic reactions to the chemo drugs. They also gave me Ativan, an anti anxiety drug that also has anti-nausea benefits. After about 30 minutes, they started working and then they administered the two Chemo drugs over the two hours. I was really drowsy, but did not fall fast asleep. I was groggy the rest of the day.

On the day after each treatment, I go back to the cancer center for a shot of Neulasta. You may have seen this advertised on TV. This is a medication that is supposed to help rebuild the red and white blood cells that have been compromised due to the cell damaging properties of the chemotherapy. Neulasta comes with some side effects of its own.

On each morning this week, I have woken up with mild to moderate nausea and a terrible headache. I have also been so incredibly tired. This fatigue is worse than what I experienced in 2000, when my thyroid function dropped to nothing at all. Today, the nausea is less and the headache is not as bad, but I am still quite tired. I just have to get through today's wedding cake deliveries. That is all I have to do.

I am looking forward to next week, since I only have one appointment to attend. It is also the "off" week and each day I should start to feel better and better until Monday, November 2nd when I have my 2nd chemo treatment.

THE HAIR AFFAIR

By all reports, my hair will have all fallen out by the end of next week. The nurse educator at the cancer center said that by day 7 the skin on my head will start to tingle and itch. During the few days after that, I will noticeably see hair coming out, while brushing or combing, or washing my hair, or just on my pillow case in the morning. By day 12 to 14, larger clumps of hair will come out and by day 15 it will be just a mess and so annoying, that you will just want to take a razor and finish the job.

Fortunately, I will be down in Beaufort for Halloween and to celebrate my grand-daughter Charlotte's first birthday. Catherine will be there too, and so I will have my daughters to help me through this event, and try to make it more fun. We'll go to a salon and have a hair shaving party (they both tell me they will shave their heads too, but I told them it wasn't necessary) get some cute hats and scarves and go out for dinner.

I've been thinking about this. The losing of my hair is a sign and symbol that I have started on the path of healing. It is something to celebrate. My hair will be gone because I have started the treatments that will kill this cancer and put me closer to being cancer free. It really is a small price to pay. And so is nausea, headaches and fatigue. If this were a few decades ago, the outcome would not be as optimistic.

Elizabeth drove up from Beaufort on Monday with my little grand-girls. It has been wonderful to have her here with Amelia and Charlotte. Catherine has also spent a lot of time here with me this week. I love my daughters. I love to see how much they love each other.

Elizabeth and Catherine have both helped me this week on my quest to find a lovely wig to wear. We went to several places and I was getting more and more depressed because nothing looked right. I just didn't look like ME. I don't have much hair to begin with, and everything was so thick and pouf-y. Then the nurse educator at the cancer center told us about Angel Hair.

We went yesterday afternoon. I have about 2 hours of energy in the afternoon between 2 and 4 p.m. Elizabeth drove me to North Raleigh, and Catherine met us there. Krista was my angel at this wig gallery. She was so knowledgeable, and kind and helpful. The choices there were outstanding. The quality was incredible. I can't believe the difference between the other places and here. In the end I found something that I really liked and that looked like how I might actually wear my hair. I was so relieved. And, to make things even better, just the day before they began a "Buy One - Get One" special and so I was able to pick two looks.

The first is the look the girls loved, something fresh and classic. It's a little shorter than I am used to now, but I like it a lot. The second is the most like how I wear my hair now.

"Regan" front

"Regan" side view

"Claire" side view

"Claire" front view

it just looks like "ME"

GOD'S ARMY OF ANGELS

I just cannot begin to express my gratitude to those who generously contributed to make this possible. Every day my life is blessed in some new way by my family and friends and others who I don't even know that well. I am so thankful for all the delicious meals and for the cards that come in the mail each day.

I cannot find enough words to thank Kim Bloomfield, who worked so hard this week on completing the three wedding cakes for this weekend. I baked some cake early Tuesday morning, and had a few hours that I could help on Thursday afternoon, but the side effects of my treatment left me pretty incapacitated to be much help otherwise. I pray that the Lord blesses her with all the desires of her heart.

For my birthday, many years ago, Patti gave me this little porcelain egg that says:

"True friends are God's angels here on earth".

I used to think that a true friend had to be someone that you had known for years and years. But now I know that isn't necessarily true. Many of you I don't know that well, and some of you, who have blessed my life, I do not know at all. But make no mistake, you are all true friends and my angels.

Showered With Love

2009-10-18T18:59:00.003-04:00

On Friday afternoon, my friends Patti and Amy organized a "Casserole Shower" for me. Over 20 of my friends came by my new house between 2 and 4 pm and brought casseroles to put in my freezer so that during the next weeks of chemotherapy, when I am just to sick or exhausted to make dinner for my family, I could just take something from my freezer and bake in the oven for dinner. My freezers are filled with love.

Additionally, they had a "Wig Money Tree" for people to attach donations for me to purchase a wig for when my hair falls out. My son Michael is getting married two months from tomorrow, and I will have no hair. This was so very thoughtful and kind and I am again overwhelmed with the love from my friends.

Here are some of the lovely people that came bearing gifts

Tomorrow I will find out the results of my CT and Bone Scans, as well as the Heart Scan. The CT and Bone scan will tell if the cancer had metastasized anywhere else in my body. The heart scan will tell me if my heart is healthy enough to withstand the chemo drugs. Perhaps the pathology report from the biopsy of the lymph nodes will be in as well. It was exhausting last week going to so many appointments.

At the shower on Friday, someone asked if I was scared. All I could say is "yes, but really, I am just scared of the unknown". Today, I have felt at peace. I feel the love of Heavenly Father's arms wrapped around me. I feel the love of my husband and my children and family members. I feel the love of my friends. And in some strange way, I felt the love of all the technicians and nurses and doctors. They understand this is hard. They are kind and helpful and never impatient.

Today in Sunday School I was reminded of a scripture that a dear friend introduced to me several years ago when Doug and I were struggling during a long period of unemployment.

2 Timothy 1:7

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

The Lord does not want me to be afraid; it is not His way. Once again I find myself with the mindset when I thought of the title of this Blog. The power to over come the world comes from love. And as you can see, I am surrounded by it.

Radioactive

2009-10-13T06:26:00.009-04:00

Yesterday I had a bone scan and a CT scan. I wasn't sure what to expect with either of them, so I went online and checked it out. Both require lying on my back on a sliding bed and being inserted in some sort of donut like contraption while the bed slid up and down so that the scanning device could check the entire length of my body. They also both had my face about 4 inches from the surface above me. Real donuts are much more fun!

But, these scans really can't see anything until you have something called "contrast" inside of you. This was actually the worst part of everything. And let me parenthetically add that I am no lightweight when it comes to pain.

First of all, I had 8 children, with some of the longest back labors on record (56 for my first...no kidding, 22 for my second, 17 for my 7th, really!) Additionally, I had the first 5 all natural, with epidurals administered for the last three, with the last of said epidurals not taking. That was the most painful, because I wasn't anticipating needing all the breathing techniques to survive the dreaded transition portion of the labor. So I didn't practice my breathing. I know, bad call.

Second, I have suffered with fibromyalgia since 1992. If you don't know what that is, click on the link. You'll see just how much fun it is.

Oh, did I mention the 8 kids....well, I am throwing that in just for the emotional pain that is!! (sorry kiddos, you know I love you)

This year it has been incredible pain in my right shoulder and upper arm as a result from overuse from the work of baking and cake decorating.

You get the idea.

Patti picks me up to take me to Rex Hospital for my 11:00 a.m. appointment where I am to receive a dye injected into me in preparation for my bone scan. This is a radioactive dye. I have the worst veins. They are tiny and they are deep and they like to roll. A very nice young man named Bryan is the radiology technician. He can't find a vein in the usual places, so he is forced to use the top of my right hand. OH MY GOSH!!!! It hurt so bad. Fortunately, it only took about 15 seconds for the dye to be injected in, which burned like crazy.

I am to return at 1:30 p.m. for the actual bone scan.

Monday was our original lunch date. So we went to lunch during the waiting period. (I have the good fortune of having received the birthday gift that keeps on giving. Since 1997, each month Patti has taken me to lunch, and sometimes a movie too in celebration of my birthday. It's a great story of how this came to be, so just ask me sometime and I will share it with you.)

After lunch, I had to start drinking the contrast solution (also radioactive) in preparation for the CT scan at 3:00 p.m. For those who have not had the pleasure, this is TWO 16 ounce bottles of a thick white liquid they dare to call a smoothie. It was allegedly flavored apple. Quite honestly, it was horrible.

I had the very clever idea that the colder this stuff would be, the easier it would be to get down. So, I put the bottles in a small cooler of ice and brought that with me. When 1:00 p.m. came and it was time to drink the first bottle, I found that the liquid had actually started to freeze and there were ice crystals in the beverage. It was way too thick and yes, crunchy. YUCK!! Patti coached me through the process, encouraging me on. It took 30 minutes to drink that bottle.

We then go back to Rex for the bone scan. Not terrible, but I kept my eyes closed. Very early in the process I opened my eyes just to find the nearest objects about 3 inches away. I closed my eyes immediately and just imagined that I was laying on a beach. The scan lasted 30 minutes. They bound me up like a papoose baby so that I could not move. It was quite uncomfortable.

Now it's 2:00 p.m. and time for part two of the contrast solution. By this time, it had come to a normal cold temperature, since I had learned from the first bottle to take it out of the cooler. My stomach was feeling pretty full, but I got that bottle down in about 12-15 minutes. I am sorry, but this was worse than when I had to hold my nose to get the baby june peas or squash down at dinner time when I was a little girl. Gag. Really. Geesh.

Patti takes me to the Cancer Center for the CT where Doug is meeting me. Oh, great, MORE radioactive contrast injected into me. She tries the left arm which was holy cow so painful. It was like she stuck in the needle and was just trying to stab at a vein in hopes to get one. And then, the vein blew and she HAD TO DO IT AGAIN ON THE OTHER ARM!!! Just as bad, but it worked, thankfully.

This time I ask for washcloth to cover my eyes, lest I accidentally open them. This sliding bed was not cushioned like the last scan, but it would only be 15 minutes for the CT to be completed. At a certain point, the technician injects the contrast solution into the vein. She had warned me that it would feel warm. No, more like my insides are on fire. I felt the liquid move through the veins in my body, first up my arm and all into my chest and then into my brain. I felt light headed. Then, it went all the way down my torso. I didn't last long, only two minutes or less. I just laid as still as possible, holding my breath when prompted by the voice in the machine.

Done!

We got home shortly after 4:00 p.m. and I rested for a while before piano students came. Lucky for me, it was Julie Housley's kids, and Julie brought dinner. That was a blessing.

With all the stuff ingested and injected, my stomach was feeling pretty weird. I was pretty spent and didn't get any more unpacking done last night.

Dr. Hamad, my surgeon, told me that by the end of this week I would be glowing. She wasn't just kidding. I am radioactive. The Geiger Counter is clicking off the charts.

I get the day off from appointments today. But, tomorrow the fun starts all over again.

On a serious note, I keep thinking how unreal this is. I feel like I am just an actor in a play. Is this really happening to ME? How? Why? It's just still unbelievable. I think that facing the unknown is the hardest part. The big trials for our family since 1997 were always unemployment. It was so difficult, but when it happened for the 3rd and 4th and 5th time, at least I knew what to expect. And I could do something! I found ways to bring in more money. That's how and why I turned a little hobby into a successful wedding cake business.

I can't really fix this. I have to have faith in Heavenly Father and trust in my doctors and do what they say to make this better. It is truly humbling. I don't have the power to make this go away. But, I do have the power to face each day with faith and hope and love. That's the stuff true miracles are made of.

"Today you will cry. Tomorrow will be brighter"

2009-10-08T08:41:00.003-04:00

MRI

On Monday, I faced one of my biggest fears. The dreaded MRI! One night several weeks ago, about a week before the biopsy, I had a panic attack just thinking about what it would be like to be in the MRI tube machine thingy. (I believe that is the technical name) I have some claustrophobic tendencies and just imagining the possibility of having that test done was frightening to me.

Gratefully, my doctor prescribed some Xanax for me to take the night before, so that I could sleep and then one hour before the test, I was to take another. Let me just say something about Xanax: it makes me stupid! To be more accurate, I imagine that if I were ever intoxicated, I would exhibit similar behavior. However, it is the only way I could have made it through the process.

I had my MRI done face down, which I was not expecting. They did a trial by putting me in position and sliding the tray with my body on it in the tube. I felt the tube pressing up against my back, tighter and tighter, and it started to hurt. I urgently said, "OK! I can't do this!" They pulled me out and made some adjustments. We tried it again and that time I felt it touch my back, but it was light pressure so I thought I would just imagine that it was a heavy blanket, or someone's hand on my back.

So, they put in the IV and I went in for real and I didn't feel it on my back at all. The brace that went up the middle of my chest was very hard, and it hurt, but I just did shallow rhythmical breathing and relaxed and 25 minutes later, it was over. Whew! By the way, it was crazy loud!! I could not even hear the beautiful Chopin Piano music I had selected to listed to through the headphones.

Plastic Surgeon

Dr. Hanna, from Cary Plastic Surgery is another member of my Breast Cancer team. I saw him on Wednesday morning. One of the great advances that have been made over the years is that insurance companies will now pay for reconstructive surgery in association with mastectomy. And FYI, he told us (Patti Maxwell came with me to this appointment) that they only wanted pay for the plastic surgery for the single breast involved. But, during the legislative process, it only took four hours of angry women protesting for them to get a clue. So, even if you only have breast cancer in one breast, they will still pay for lifting and matching the other breast to the newly created breast. That was comforting since my 8 pregnancies and breast feeding, along with weight changes that have gone up and down more than a see-saw have left my "girls" with some crazy sagging. (I know you may thing TMI, but heck, it's MY blog anyway)

Dr. Hanna is well recognized in the area for his fine work. Word on the street says that he is responsible for most of the implants in Preston. I am in good hands. :)

He instructed me as to how the reconstruction will be done and informed my of my options. He was a funny guy, and Patti and I were cracking up by the end of the appointment.

Also, I can now proudly say that I have had my nude shots taken. Just like you see on Discovery Health Channel. Oh, no face in the photo. Thank goodness!

Medical Oncologist

I knew that everything was leading to this second appointment on Wednesday. Doug and I met with Dr. Singh, who is the oncologist that treats cancers with chemotherapy. Dr. Singh is a very nice man, who is from India and looks like your stereotype Indian man from a Simpsons episode. Turban, beard tied in a rubber band and folded in on itself, and wearing long muslin khaftan. I felt great compassion from him.

He gave me my results from the MRI. It was as I had suspected, but hoped that it would not be. The area of the cancer is huge. It had taken over more than half of my right breast and has gone into my lymph nodes. He explained how cancer grows, and how it starts in the ducts and then sometimes, it "leaks" out and infiltrates the breast tissue. Breast cancer can also start in the Lobes. I have cancer in both the ducts and the lobes. With the addition of the cancer having spread to the lymph nodes, they are calling it Stage 3. I will have a full CT scan tomorrow to see if there is cancer anywhere else in my body.

In the next week I have to have the following procedures/tests done:

CT scan
Bone scan
MUGA (this is a cool scan of my heart to make sure it is in good shape to receive one of the chemotherapy drugs which is known for damaging hearts. Great)
Biopsy of the lymph nodes
A Port will be put in my chest for the administering of the chemo drugs. (This is so that they do not have to tap into a vein in your arm every time. This is done with outpatient surgery.)

The treatment plan is as follows:

Chemotherapy begins ASAP, probably in about 12 days and will last for approximately 18 weeks.
Bilateral Mastectomy in the Spring following the Chemo (both of the "girls" are going away)
Radiation Treatments for 6 weeks

The treatments should all be complete by June of next year.

At the end of the appointment, Dr. Singh looked Doug and I in the eyes and said "Today is a very bad day. Today, you will cry. Tomorrow will be brighter. And with the Lord's blessing you will be well."

Epilogue

It was all pretty heavy. Doug took me home and went back to Wake Tech. I had to teach my piano lessons and finish up some baking. I have been pretty together and upbeat, considering everything. I mentioned in a previous post that I had not had a good cry yet, but I could feel it coming on. That was last week.

I made fajitas for dinner. We were all at the dinner table eating dinner. I had had a few bites of my first fajita when, like a dam bursting, I began to sob. I couldn't stop. Doug got up and comforted me. In a about a minute, Doug said, "He said you would cry today. I thought that was just a cliche." I cried on and off all evening.

Yesterday, I cried. Today is brighter.

Taking a drink with a Firehose

2009-10-03T00:31:00.002-04:00

My brain has been flooded with information.

Yesterday Doug and I went to my follow up appointment with Dr. Hamad. She went over the results of the pathology report. Preliminary diagnosis: invasive ductal carcinoma. Well, we knew that I guess, but that is the medical name for the type of invasive breast cancer that I have. There isn't much more to say until after I have my MRI, early on Monday morning. This is where they can determine the size of the tumor and if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes around the breast, or anywhere else for that matter. It will also indicate if there are any beginnings of cancer in my left breast.

This is just part of the information that is needed in order to make a treatment plan. There are other factors, but I am not sure I could explain them yet. The facts are I will at the very least require surgery and chemotherapy. The unknown until all the information is in is whether the chemo starts first to shrink the tumor and then have surgery. Or, have surgery first followed by chemotherapy. Either way, by the time Michael gets married in mid-December, I will have no hair! Radiation is a strong possibility, but again, there is much more information needed to decide that.

After we spend a great deal of time together, we were taken by the nurse to a room to schedule all the appointments for the next week. Today I met with the Radiation Oncologist. Monday is the MRI. Wednesday is both the Medical Oncologist (chemo doctor) and the Plastic Surgeon (for reconstruction). I also did a test to determine if there is a genetic factor to my cancer, which tells them even more about how to treat it. This was probably the most pleasant test I will ever have. I swished with SCOPE mouthwash for 30 seconds, two separate times, and spit it into a cylinder. They use my saliva for the gene testing. I had minty fresh breath when that was done.

I spent a lot of the day on the telephone talking to different people. It was exhausting telling the tale again and again. But, people are concerned and they want to know what is going on. May I remind you also that we are in the process of moving and I have a giant wedding cake along with a groom's cake to complete for Saturday. Oh, and I had to go withdraw Alex from West Cary Middle School so I could enroll him at Holly Ridge Middle School. Exhausting day!

Today was also insane. I really felt the stress of the move and the diagnosis and came close to breaking down several times. My daughter Catherine was with me all of the day and she was a great support to me. It's almost 1:00 in the morning, and I just finished the artwork on the groom's cake. I am tired.

I still have not just had a good hard cry, but I could totally feel it coming on this afternoon.

I have been up and down like a roller coaster ride. Those who know me know that I am NOT a roller coaster person. I hate that feeling in your stomach. It is not fun. THIS is not fun.

At the Radiation Oncologist I learned the side effects of radiation. I was told so many things. But, I left feeling like I was going to need it eventually, probably in the spring, as it will likely be the last of the three types of treatments.

Blah, blah, blah....this is so boring....

Here's the best part of the day.....all the LOVE from so many people!!!

My daughter, Catherine...oh how I felt her love as she filled out all the forms for me at the middle school and at the oncologists office. Not to mention just going with me everywhere else today.

Wendy Holladay, my friend and visiting teacher...who drove the closing papers from our house in Morrisville to the new house in Fuquay because I had forgotten to take them with me so that I had proof of residence to enroll Alex in his new school.

The guidance counselor at Holly Ridge...who was so understanding about having to hurry through the process so that I could get to my doctor's appointment as "on time" as possible.

The receptionist and nurse at Wake Oncology Radiology... who helped me feel so relaxed when I was 7 minutes late to my appointment. They said "you're not late.....45 minutes...THAT's late".

The nice sales man at BIG LOTS...who made sure to mention that the table and chairs that I was purchasing was being discontinued. I was only going to get the table with 4 chairs and gradually add the other 4 chairs. If I had waited, when I went back they would have been gone and I would not have had a matching set.

The Pulsipher Family...for bringing dinner tonight. (and let's not fail to mention all the other dinners provided this week by Mary Ann Pillar, Jennifer Kennedy, Wendy Holladay and Beth Allred.)

My husband, Douglas, my children and spouses (Christian and Mary, Catherine and Bryan, Mark, Daniel and Alex)... who worked so hard today and before today moving items from one house to another.

My daughter Elizabeth...because although it is not possible for her to be here to help, she wishes she could be here.

My dear friend Leann...who just returned from Utah and called me right away when she heard, even though she has her own trial right now.

My sisters JoAnn and Fran...who I finally got to speak with. For their love and prayers.

My mom...who always calls to see how things went. And, while I am at it, for all the days she came and stood and washed dishes and cake pans for hours during the busiest cake weeks this summer.

Kim Bloomfield...who offered to help save me from the ton of cake work that MUST be done this month for all the brides who are expecting a wedding cake in October.

Amelia Bogess...for helping me finish packing the kitchen

There are probably others...but my brain is tired and I cannot think anymore.

I am overwhelmed by the love of my friends and family.

I wish there was a better word than "thank you"

I love you all.

Really? Really? (really!)

2009-09-30T06:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, September 29th, 2009 I found out that I have cancer. Breast cancer. Really? It's only been about 18 hours since the surgeon called to tell me the results of the biopsy. It really hasn't sunk in yet. Well, I have moments of the reality of it, but mostly, I still don't really know what is coming. I mean, I know what I read about what could possibly be the things that are coming, but it isn't real yet. I woke up this morning, and took out butter to soften to make the icing, like any other day. And wedding cakes have to be iced, like any other day. But in my head, like bad ringing in my ears I hear the words "they found cancer, they found cancer, they found cancer".

Maybe the reason why I couldn't sleep last night was so that I wouldn't wake up this morning and think "maybe it was just a bad dream". No chance for that. You have to fall asleep to wake up.

The Back Story

I make wedding cakes. I own a small licensed home based wedding cake bakery. I started Cake Dreams in the spring of 2005. The years of overuse of my right upper arm and shoulder have left me in a great deal of pain. A few months ago, in early June, I finally went to the doctor about this matter and was referred to an orthopaedic doctor who sent me to physical therapy. This was a good thing, but also a painful thing.

One Saturday morning, as I was massaging my neck and shoulder to prepare for the day's work, I noticed a little lump right above my right collar bone. It was about the size of a black bean. Since my mother has dealt with chronic lymphoma for more than 10 years, I made an appointment with my wonderful family doctor, Dr. Musselman, who referred me to a general surgeon. He also suggested that since it had been a while since my last mammogram, that I have that done too. The results came back normal.

My visit with this surgeon was not good. And since I do not want to waste my time giving any attention to this man who barely gave me the time of the day, and pretty much told me he didn't find anything there (even though the resident who accompanied him found it immediately, because she listened to me about how to find it) I will just tell you that I decided to return to my doctor who then referred me to Dr. Sabah Hamad who is a breast surgeon.

Dr. Hamad did an ultra sound to see what was there. She also did a complete breast exam as well as view my recent mammogram. The little lump seemed like maybe it was just fatty tissue, so we both decided to watch it and I would return in three months to see if there were any changes. That was August 17th.

Ten days later, after a long day in the kitchen, I laid down on my side in bed, and when my upper right arm rested against my right breast I was shocked when I felt this huge hardness, about the size of half of a baseball. This was NOT there the week before. And to be truthful, I would say it wasn't there when I had showered last. When I woke up the next morning, it was still there. I just kept tabs on it for about a week, thinking perhaps it was just fibrous tissue swelling from monthly cycle related issues. But, cycle came and went, and big hard lump in breast did not.

I decided to bypass going back to Dr. Musselman and call Dr. Hamad, since I had just seen her two weeks earlier. That was September 10th

She was stunned. She acknowledged that wasn't there before. She did an ultrasound and it looked suspect. She said that it was possible that it was an infection, so she prescribed 10 days of heavy duty antibiotics. She also sent me for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. The radiologist came in to speak with me and said that there was definitely a large dense mass there and that it was either infection or cancer. He admonished a biopsy. That was September 14th.

GULP

On September 24th, having completed the 10 days of antibiotic with no change in size of the affected area, I returned with my films and radiology report in hand to Dr. Hamad. She performed a biopsy in the office and said it would take until the next Tuesday for the results to come in. Now we wait.

My appointment was at 10:15 a.m. My daughter Catherine called to see if Doug was going with me and I said I thought that he was meeting me there, but she said she had just gotten off the phone with him and he said he wasn't coming. I called him, and because I had not specifically asked him to be there, he had not planned on coming too. I was hurt. The week before, when we knew this might be real, he had said he would be there with me all along the way. How could he not know how important it would be for me to have him there to support me if the results were cancer? I was unkind and told him not to come, that now I didn't want him there as a reminder of how little he cared about me.

Catherine called back and said she would come but I told her not to come and just let me do this by myself. Several minutes later, she arrived anyway. My daughter loves me.

When I was taken back to get blood pressure, etc, the nurse flipped through my chart and noted that the results had not yet come in. So, I left with the assurance that Dr. Hamad would call me when she received the pathology report.

And that brings us back to 1:00 yesterday afternoon. I was at a luncheon that was being held in my honor. We are moving this weekend, and so the ladies from church had an open house so that people could say good-bye. Several of my friends knew that I was waiting on the results. The call from Dr. Hamad came right in the middle of the party. When I came back into the room, I could see everyone's eyes reading my face. I tried so hard to smile and stay upbeat. But, there were so many sweet and caring eyes looking into mine that I could just nod my head "yes" and then the tears began to flow and the hugs came.

It was all wrong yet perfect. These sweet sisters knew even before my husband, my daughters and sons, my mother, and my best friend. But, I was grateful not to be alone. These women had gathered that afternoon for me thinking it was just to wish me well in my new home. But there was a greater purpose none of us could have ever predicted. I was strengthened by the power of the love in that room.

Love is power. I have felt it so many other times in my life.

At first, I thought I would name my BLOG The Power OF Love, like the song from Back to the Future. But, then I thought, no, love IS power. So that's where that came from.

It will be love's power that will help me through the next few days, months, years....how ever long it takes for this to resolve, what ever that will mean.

I will come here to write whatever is on my mind that day. I have no expectations, except to record my journey. I hope that I will have your company along the way. Together we'll experience what love's power can do to lift us all.