Christmas was wonderful. Physically, it was the most challenging time of my entire life. Really. The side effects of this new drug were quite intense. They are much more severe than with the first round of chemo drugs. As for my spirit, I was happy and delighted to be surrounded by my sweet family. It was wonderful to speak to Eric, our full time missionary, on the telephone.

Starting on the Wednesday after my treatment, I had much worse nausea than I had yet experienced with chemotherapy. In addition to that, I experienced severe pain in all my bones and joints. Deep down to the bone marrow pain. This lasted for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (Christmas Day). The pain had lessened a bit for Saturday, and I was grateful, since I had to finish up the two wedding cakes for delivery later on Saturday.

On Sunday afternoon, I began to have severe chest pains with accelerated heart rate, pounding in my chest and shortness of breath. The best way to describe what I was experiencing is like labor contractions of my heart. I was always at a constant moderate pain level (5 on the 1 to 10 scale) with surges of increasing pain, lasting different lengths of time that brought the pain level to 8 or 9. By 9 o'clock that evening, my daughter, Elizabeth insisted I call the oncologist "on call" doctor. She just suggested I take Percocet to get through the night and to see my doctor the next day. The pain kept me up in waves throughout the night. The pain was often unbearable.

I called the cancer center and was only able to leave a message with the triage nurse. Three hours later, Nurse Jan called to say "come in RIGHT NOW".

When I arrived they checked my vitals and gave me orders to take to Cary Wake Hospital for a CT Scan to check for pulmonary embolism. They gave me a preventative shot of a blood thinner and a very small dose of Morphine for the pain.

I really don't want to take the time to do a play by play of the whole ordeal, but will say that after the CT scan came back negative for a blood clot, it was necessary to have an EKG done, which for some reason, could only be done through the emergency room. Daniel had driven me to the doctor, and was my constant companion through everything. We spent about 6 hours in waiting rooms in the ER in between two EKG's and blood work before I was in an ER room. I was admitted to the hospital overnight for observation to make sure that my blood enzymes did not show any heart damage. The pains had started to subside by the evening. Catherine switched places with Daniel and spent the night with me in my room.

In the morning, I had an echo-cardiogram (ultra sound of my heart) to check further for damage. It took 5 hours to get the results. No damage. (In other words, I did NOT have a heart attack). I left the hospital around 2:00 p.m.

Waiting in the E.R.

Dr. Singh said it is likely just a very severe and unusual side effect of the Taxol. Great. But, he had to rule out the other things to be sure.

I have been very weak and nauseous this whole week. It's just the way it is. But, my spirits are good.

So, back to my thoughts....

Every year, during this season, you can take your pick of any number of incarnations of the classic Dickens tale of "A Christmas Carol". I have seen portions of several versions this year. Just this afternoon I watched one I had never seen before, a more recent musical version starring Kelsey Grammer (Frasier) as Ebeneezer Scrooge.

As an aside, for many, many years, Doug has taken amusing offense to anyone remarking in a disparaging way to anyone who lacks Christmas cheer as a "Scrooge". He says that everyone should be a Scrooge, because he was great and generous man. You see, he choses to see Mr. Ebeneezer as he became in the end, rather than who he was during most of the tale. It's been a good spirited heated topic between he and I.

Today, while watching this new version, I was struck with the message of this tale. It is simply, do not let anything get in your way of living your life and loving one another. Whether it is too much emphasis on material things, whether you are in abundance or struggling; whether it is a grudge in your heart against family or friend; whether it is unexpected adversity or illness or any of another hundred things on the list. There is nothing more important than seizing the opportunity to love and serve others, and for that matter, to love and serve yourself, if you make sure that your service to yourself improves your ability to serve others. I think of it as developing Christ-like attributes.

I cannot tell you how many times, during this last week, with the severe bone and muscle aches and the intense chest pains in my heart, that I thought of our Savior and Redeemer. and knew that what I was experiencing was nothing compared to what he went through for all mankind. And, what's more, is that I see it as a gift to have been given an opportunity to think and feel more deeply upon his sacrifice as it relates specifically to me!

2009 was a fantastic year for me. There were so many great blessings offered to me and my family. We received guidance on the timing to purchase a new home, and where to buy it. I have been given the blessing of learning about how many people really care about me. It has been wonderfully overwhelming. The service that has been offered to me and my family in so many acts of service and kindness are innumerable.

So, if I can offer a bit of advice based on Doug's view of Ebeneezer Scrooge, let us try to see people not as they are now, but as they will become. Most people we encounter really are trying to become better people. Love each other a little more purer. It's kind of like the way our Heavenly Father can see our eternal potential. We'll all be better off if we can be more gentle on ourselves and each other.

So, in the words of the immortalized Tiny Tim, "God Bless Us, Everyone". For all of us deserve God's blessings in this coming year.

My friend Beth, who is my former roommate and dearest friend from my BYU days has been in town assisting in the wedding preparations for the wedding and just all around helping me. She an Doug took me to my treatment today. Doug left when the treatment part began. Beth and I were there for 7 hours. 7 VERY LONG hours. My chemo-treatment lasted for over 4 hours, the rest of the time was spent having lab work down, and seeing the doctor (actually the P.A.) and WAITING around to have the lab work, and see the the P.A. There was so much more waiting than usual. The treatment room was filled and they were short staffed.

Because this was a new drug for me, they gave me extra doses of steroids and anti-allergens to handle the potency of this Taxol. I slept almost the whole time. Oh, except, after all waiting for lab work and doctor visits I became terribly hungry....and a bit grouchy. Doug went to the very near Harris Teeter and got me the most awesome sub-sandwich. It was delicious. The pre-meds took effect and I was sound asleep for most of the time. That was really nice. Given the ridiculous pace I had been keeping in the weeks before, I deserved drug induced sleep.

Now I am groggy and read to go to bed. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Oh, and here are sneak peak at some wedding photos. Just click on the link for my Picasa album called The Wedding of Michael and Kristin Plautz. Enjoy!!!

Merry Christmas my dear friends. I had a mini breakdown tonight, because although I had convinced myself during the previous months that I would be happy enough to have the energy to enjoy Michael's wedding and that Christmas would take care of itself some how or another, I realized that I was quite sad to forgo the decades of family traditions established by the Douglas and Sally Plautz Family. It was too late to afford to purchase the 7 racks of baby back ribs to have for our traditional Christmas Day dinner. This is a task I spend the 2 1/2 months before Christmas stocking up on as they go on half price or other extraordinary specials that make it possible for me to buy enough for my ever growing family.

Also, I make homemade candy each year. I have done this for 30 year, never missing, sometimes late, but never missing. I usually make homemade vanilla caramels, a special family recipe, buckeye candies (peanut butter balls dipped in chocolate in the shape of the Ohio Buckeye nut), Almond Rocca, an almond toffee square completely dipped in milk chocolate lightly dusted in almond dust. Then, I end it with caramel/chocolate turtles. When I am feeling really ambitious, I made my own recipe of a "York Style" Peppermint Patty. It is my personal favorite.

Catherine has stepped up to make buckeyes, but I am pretty sure that is where it is ending.

It's more about completing family traditions than it is about the tradition itself.

I am trying to let go, knowing that one year missed will not be a tragedy. And, that while my kids may remember the year we ate something "less special" for dinner and we had candy from a bag. They will also remember why and I hope, like I do, remember that this time of my life and the healing and the surviving is far more important. I know that my children love me, and their love will help heal my heart for my saddness with my inability to make everything perfect this year.

And let's not forget, there WILL be other years to celebrate life. I will celebrate MY life in conjunction with our Saviour's life. And while I do not mean to add disrespect to the grand plan that includes the birth of Jesus Christ, as it pertains to all mankind, I also cannot minimize the value of my life as in pertains to my own personal posterity. One must taste the bitter in order to prize the sweet. No one really talks about how you can actually realize those two opposites all in the same event. Everyday I taste both. I turn from the one and draw towards and embrace the sweet. You are all part of that sweet. I need you so much.

Time to face the bitter, the trying to fall asleep, but I know sometime in the night, the bitter will surrender and the sweet will envelope me with love and the rest of the Lord.

This is my bonus week. Dr. Singh allowed me to add an additional week before I begin round two of my chemo treatments. I would have normally had a treatment yesterday. But, to help me have an extra week of recovery so that I can be stronger for Michael and Kristin's wedding, I got to skip it. The trade off is that I have to have my treatment next Monday, which is the day before my birthday and the week of Christmas. I will be pretty sick for the Christmas, but I would much rather have the strength to enjoy my son's wedding day.

What I am really trying to express is, I think that even if it were the summer time, and I had hit my halfway through chemotherapy mark, that I would become just as reflective upon the great blessings that have been bestowed so generously upon me.

I had my last of the AC Chemo treatments on Monday. Wow! First round of chemo is done! It was harder on my body this time than the last two. It was more like the first treatment. I could not believe how weak I was. I am not just describing tired, but a frail and weakness through my entire body that makes it difficult for me to walk, lift my arms, well, it is difficult to move my body.

Patti was sick this week, so my daughter Catherine took me to my appointment. I don't know if I have ever met anyone in my entire life who is more kind than my daughter Catherine. She just emits such positive light. I am so thankful for her.

The treatment room was filled with more patients than I had ever seen before. There are probably 20 - 24 recliner seats in the room, and maybe there were two empty chairs. The thing that I noticed is that I was the youngest patient in the room. The treatment area was quiet on Monday, more so than usual. Most of the patients slept or listened to music via i-pod style players. Some were alone, but most, like me had a companion with them who patiently sat beside them during the treatments. My treatment takes about 3 hours, but there are some patients whose treatment regime takes 5-6 hours or more.

I slept more than usual, but when I was alert I just kept thinking about what treatment rooms were like 20 years, even 10 years ago. They were not quiet places. Patients experienced the most violent nausea and were vomiting during the treatments. I just kept thinking of these heros who paved the way so that scientists would earnestly seek to develop medications to suppress the hideous side effects. The side effects that I experience are nothing compared to what they could have been. I am thankful, so very thankful to those who suffered so that I would not have to suffer as much.

Still, today I am feeling pretty nauseated, with the usual Neulasta induced headache. As I have mentioned before, I have terrible insomnia. Last month I had my family doctor write a prescription for Ambien, but insurance companies will not fill more than two weeks of medicine for these "controlled" substances. I had to resort to taking them every other night to make them last. They were too low of a dose, so I would get, at the most, 4-5 consecutive hours of sleep. But, that was way better than the alternative.

When I met with Dr. Singh on Monday he wrote a prescription for Ambien CR, the extended release version, hoping that this formula would help me get a full night of sleep. I took the medicine at 9:15 p.m. so that by 10:00 p.m. I could be fast asleep. I was still awake at 10:30 p.m., not feeling the least bit sleepy. At 11:00 p.m. I went to my bed thinking I at least needed to be in a sleeping position to get things started. I was still awake at 11:45 p.m.

As I laid there, strange things started to happen. I felt my heart rate start increasing. Racing. I couldn't get a deep breath. I was almost hyper-ventilating. Restless. Scared. I went downstairs, as Doug was still up working. I told him how I was feeling. I started crying uncontrollably and described myself as feeling like I was having a panic attack. No sooner than I had said those words, Doug had pulled up on the computer information of a rare side effect from Ambien CR that caused the exact symptoms that I was experiencing. He found a support thread that had individual after individual reporting similar symptoms in various degrees of intensity.

The worst of it lasted about an hour. I went back upstairs and laid down with a heating pad over my head and eyes, which was quite soothing. Doug came upstairs and just sat with me while continuing to work on his laptop, keeping a hand on my shoulder or arm so that I wouldn't feel alone. I felt calmer, but my heart was still beating quite fast. I don't remember when I finally fell asleep, but I remember waking up in the middle of the night, perhaps around 3 or 4 in the morning feeling like I had been run over. I woke up again at 6 a.m. again at 7:30 and then slept hard until 9:15.

Fortunately, I don't have to do anything but rest and sleep today after I post this. Kim is coming this afternoon to work on this weekend's wedding cakes. I am so thankful for Kim. She is always cheerful about working on the cakes. I know it is hard work and it is not convenient for her and there must be something she would rather be doing. But, I don't know what I would do without her. When her twin girls get married, I will make the biggest, baddest most awesome wedding cakes for each of them. I think that after I am well, I will also keep her girls for an entire week so that she can go do what ever she wants to do. I am open to any suggestions of what I possibly could do to repay the incredible service she has provided for me and my family.

One final thought: I appreciate so much every gesture of kindness, every message and note and thought and prayer that you have extended to me. I have not been able to respond to each of you individually, but please know that you mean so much to me. Thank you for your love. I love you too.

I had my second chemotherapy treatment on Monday. Patti took me to my appointment. My blood work looked excellent and Dr. Singh was delighted. He examined me, but I could have told you myself that the large tumor had shrunk considerably just with the first treatment. It's working! Good thing, because it would be really tough to go through all the yucky symptoms if it wasn't.

The treatment time was to be about 2 plus hours. There has to be something to kill the time, so Patti brought a book to read to me. She selected the delightful Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

The anti-nausea meds that they give make me kind of sleepy, so we had to stop after a while. I had a side effect with the Cytoxan that I didn't experience the first time. If delivered through the infusion pump too quickly, it can make your sinuses burn like crazy, and burn they did. It was like the worst sinus attack I have ever had.

Then, when Jan started pushing the Adriamycin, I started feeling really light headed. I have felt this way before, so I knew that my blood pressure was dropping. Jan, my nurse came to my rescue and took my BP and confirmed it. She stopped delivering the Adriamycin and stabilized me. The rest of the time went by fairly quickly.

I had the worst headache the rest of the day and I was exhausted.

On Tuesday morning, my hair started coming out in large handfuls. If I had stayed in the shower long enough, rinsing my hair, I am quite certain that I could have washed every hair off of my scalp. I grew weary of the process and just towel dried my hair. There was a lot of hair in that towel.

I decided to be proactive and called Claire, my stylist for over 12 years, and she had me come to her shop at 9:00 p.m. on Tuesday evening so she could take the clippers to my hair and just finish the job.

Doug and Benjamin and I drove up to Cary. Catherine met us there, as did Christian and Mary. This was my support group.

First she scissor cut my hair to about an inch or so. I dealt with that all right. She began shaving the back first, while I looked in the mirror. I was doing pretty well, until she made the first stroke across the front of my scalp. I put my teared up eyes in my hands. I saw an old man sitting in my chair. It didn't help when my daughter, Catherine said that I looked like my father.

This was hard. Much harder than I thought it would be.

After I wiped away my few tears, Doug planted a big kiss on the top of my head, and then I put on a scarf and a hat. It was pretty chilly that night. We all went to Dairy Queen and enjoyed ice cream to cap off the adventurous evening.

The deed was done, and there is no turning back now.

The shaving of the locks

(warning, it is 4 minutes long)

It is finished.....sigh

It was nice to have my family with me. They kept me laughing, and that is always good. Feel the love. It's all around.

What I do know is that I will NOT be going down to Beaufort today for the weekend with Elizabeth and my grand-daughters. There is only a slight chance that we will go at all.

Three months!!! Three months is how long we have planned this trip. When we went down to Beaufort for our "stay-cation" the first week of August we knew our first opportunity to come back would be for Halloween weekend and Charlotte's first birthday. It was a perfect plan. No school on Friday, no cakes scheduled for the entire week. Just a leisurely drive to the coast of NC.

...not so much...

I am sorely disappointed.

What this also means is that I won't be with my daughter's for my hair falling out/head shaving party.

On Sunday, I noticed that my head was very itchy and it just felt weird. There was a fair amount of shedding as I washed and styled my hair for church. Every day, when I comb my hair, their is a light dusting of hair on the counter. Each day the amount increases. Yesterday there was significantly more shedding. Not in clumps, just single strands shedding from my scalp. It became necessary to pull my hair into a little bity pony tail and wear a hat so that it wouldn't fall all over.

My son Michael and his fiance Kristin came over for their cake tasting for their wedding cake. That really brightened up my evening. I pulled out what energy I could to help them through their tasting, and then crashed after they left. Here's a preview of what to expect from their wedding cake:

I knew I was feeling sick, because I didn't even share a single bite of cake with them.

This week I have called my "off week", meaning there was no chemo treatment. Somehow I had come up with the idea that I would feel normal this week, that every day after chemo would improve until I felt all right again. And, although I did improve when comparing days 3 through 6 to the days after, certain symptoms just don't go away.

Every day I wake up with mild nausea. This is made worse by having to take my medicines on an empty stomach. I have one medicine that MUST be taken on an empty stomach and then wait 1 hour before I can eat. I also always have a headache that can range from mildly annoying to darn-right pounding.

The fatigue is the most consuming thing. I am exhausted all the time, as if I have been working hard all day. And yet, I have not done much at all.

Yesterday morning, Doug and I had appointments for lab work associated with routine appointments with our family doctor that are next week. We left together at 8:15 a.m. I actually felt pretty good. By the time the appointment was over, I said to Doug "This is the absolute best I have felt since my first treatment". So, I decided to drive him to Wake Tech and keep the car so I could go to WalMart to pick up my prescriptions and look for a birthday present for Charlotte.

It was the first time that I had driven alone since October 2nd. It was great. I was feeling free and normal for a change. I arrived at WalMart and took care of my pharmacy items. I started walking around the store, just browsing. By the time I got to the back of the store where the toys were, I began to fade. I had to lean against the cart to help me walk through the rest of the store to pick up the few grocery items we needed.

I got home, unloaded the car and crashed on the couch. There was no more energy. It was just too much for me. When I woke up, I could feel the tingly-itch in the back of my throat that is my tell-tale sign that a cold is coming. About an hour after that, my nose was running.

Kim and her little girls came by to bring some cake stuff and visited with me for a while. After that, more sleeping until the fam got home from school and work.

I am so frail now. I don't LIKE that. It is frustrating to feel so weak.

Benjamin brought in the mail. There were more post cards for me to read. A sister from the Cary 2nd ward, wrote some scriptures that had touched her during her own difficult trials and wanted to share them with me. This one really applies right now:

I had a little taste of the sweet when I got up yesterday morning and felt so well, after having been so sick. But, I have to realize that those moments for me, during the coming months, will be short lasting. Besides, these days the sweet comes in so many other ways.