13 January 2010


I knew that eventually this day would come. A day when all I could say is: "This is so hard, I am struggling and tired of all this." I have hit that point. In my first post, I said that I would just write whatever I was feeling that day.

I started writing a post yesterday, trying to be strong and positive about the last week and a half since my last treatment. I wrote a few sentences and just couldn't go on.

The fact is I am losing it a bit. The intense pain has truly affected my ability to be rational and positive. The pain is so intense in my bones and my muscles sometimes all I can do is cry. I can't sleep so the nights are long and lonely. The narcotics barely take the edge off. I am so weak, I can hardly walk, my hip joints are so wobbly. I have come to the point where I see how much more there is that I will have to go through and, I am scared.

And because I am in a chemically induced menopause, in a very condensed time, I am dealing with all the issues and symptoms, including mood swings, that go with that.

I am tired of being able to do nothing, go no where and being alone. The days are so long.

I am experienced enough with life to know that these feelings won't last. But, this is what I am facing and feeling today.


WhiteStone said...

So sorry this is hitting you hard. I've finished up my chemo six months ago but I do remember the pains. I was so wobbly I felt as if I had aged 20 years into an "old woman". Now, 6 months later, I feel normal again.

I hope and pray that you can finish up with the chemo and get on to better days. For now, go ahead and cry. Crying is not a bad thing and sometimes it is a necessary (and natural) thing.

Wish I was there to give you a hug. But I can pray from right where I am. Bless you.

Brenda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brenda said...

(((HUG))) Wish I could do more.

Anonymous said...

Sending lots of hugs Sally. I can remember a particularly tough time in my life when a sweet friend of mine brought over a whole box of mismatched glass dishes from Goodwill and gave me permission to basically throw a tantrum while I broke the whole lot of it in my garage! Sometimes we need to cry and scream and shout a little before we can lift up our head and hold on a little longer. You CAN do this and you ARE doing it. I am so proud of you! Janine

Elizabeth said...

I'm glad you are able to express your extreme hurt and frustration. It is cathardic to say it/ write it out loud. I'm continually praying for you, and knowing the pain will end does not negate how hard it is right now. I love you Mom.

Lisa said...

You know what...I'm glad you wrote what you did! They always say honesty is the best policy and if that's how you feel...than that's how you feel. I wish there was more I could do for you, maybe Brandon can design some wedding cakes for you - hahaha! Take Care Sally!!!!

pyneszoo said...

You're not alone....
Even when you're feeling on your own,
You are loved in ways that can't be shown,
Your needs are known, You're not alone.

And when you cry,
You're just letting go of heartache deep inside,
And tomorrow there'll be sunshine and sky
and love close by, you're not alone.

And we know that it's not easy,
And we know that it won't last,
Cause one who loves you more than me
Is sending blessings fast.

You're not alone,
Say it one more time, "I'm not alone"
And even when it's hard to find the words,
Your prayers are heard, you're not alone.

~ Michael McLean

Just wanted you to know that you are never alone. You have friends, family and a Heavenly Father who loves you and knows your pain. We can offer each other band-aids, but only HE can heal our wounds. We're praying for you and know HE will heal you!!!

Sue said...

I think the Lord often takes us to the very brink of what we can endure and let's us dangle over the edge for a little while before He rescues us. It is soooo hard, but when the relief comes (and it always does) it is exquisite and sweet. I will pray that your relief comes soon and in such a way that you feel the immense love of our friend and Savior Jesus Christ in an undeniable way. I love you so much Sally, as do so many others who are praying for you and exercising faith in your behalf. Hang in there. I KNOW it will get better. The dawn will come!

melissa said...

I appreciate your honesty. Cancer sucks. I hope today is better. You are always in my prayers.

Jo Ann B. Pennock said...

Hi Sally,
I'm so sorry you're at this low point. I know from experience that when you get to the absolute-I-can't go-on-rock-bottom, things get a tiny bit better, because the Lord knows what we can handle--but as Elizabeth said, that doesn't help you now. I will be praying fervently that you get some relief.
Jo Ann

Leann said...

I enjoyed a little bit of "me time" and "Sally time" today. Thanks for the sunshine!

And thanks for being so real. It gives me a bit of comfort to know that I am in good company. I'm sending love and positive thoughts your way. Love you!

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