25 June 2010

Haven't Got Time for the Pain

I don't know why I persist in the belief that somehow I will get out of the worst of it. I know that Dr. Sailer told me that things would get worse before they get better. But hope springs eternal, and I always think deep down that I just might be the exception. And doesn't that just make you laugh, because during this whole process, I have almost always had the more severe side effects than what is usually expected. I should just get used to it. Right? Wrong! If I just planned on having the worse case scenario, that would be giving in to pessimism, and I just refuse to do that.

Last night was particularly horrible. Even with Ambien to aid in sleep I was still awake at midnight. I added a small dose of Dilaudid (morphine derivative) that Dr. Sailer prescribed for the times when Aleve was just not sufficient. Still, the clock ticked by, 1:00 a.m.......2:00 a.m......3:00 a.m....then finally asleep. The pain was so intense in the radiated area. And the thing is, it's not just the burning sensation of the skin, but deep underneath in the tissue below. Sharp, intense pain. I just laid there and sobbed.

Then, there is just the fatigue. I am so tired all the time. And, when I don't get a good night's sleep, it is just all the worse. But, I got up this morning and finished the last of the wedding cakes and an anniversary cake for tomorrow, so at least now I can rest from my labors.

There's just so much I want to do now that all my treatments are complete and I don't have time for the pain and the fatigue.

Here's my short list. I want to:

1) go to the pool and just read a book
2) go down to Beaufort and visit my grand-daughters
3) go to a mall and just browse
4) go visit a few of the local fitness centers and join one, so that I can start getting healthy
5) drive myself to the store if I needed something
6) go shopping to find window treatments for the living room and family room (something that dropped to the bottom of the list when we moved in last October because moving and my diagnosis were simultaneous)

I am just impatient, I know.

There's just so much living to do!


Catherine said...

No worries, Mom! You will get to do all those things...eventually. Today we were reminded that faith precedes the miracle. Keep the faith that your miraculous journey is coming to an end soon and these thoughts will so far out of your mind.

I love you!!

J9 said...

Great positive outlook! I love that you have a list of things that you want to do and can look forward to doing. I am sure it is so much better to be on this side of the treatments! :)

Leann said...

Thanks for sharing everying you've felt. I am learning so much from you. I'm still figuring out how to fully access the Atonement for various times and situations in my life - if only there was a specific and detailed process of steps! You are my dear friend!

Lynne said...

One day you will be better even if the road will be a bit bumpy until then. That's the hope to keep in mind.

I really appreciate your frankly sharing all that you are going through. That takes a lot of courage and strength.

Best wishes. Lynne

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